For Christmas, all I want is happiness.

Last year at this time, I was looking up. I was focusing on what was to come and nothing that was in the past. I was hopeful. I was writing. I was being present as much as I knew how. I was embracing the little things and family and friends and when Christmas came around, it wasn't about presents for once. It was about unity. Sharing time with the ones who know you best. I finally felt I was growing up and out of the greedy holiday phase.

My mistake last year was making the resolution that I did. I told myself, along with a crowd during show I featured in and a class I mentored- that I was going to follow my heart. That I was going to stay true to what I wanted and follow that 100 percent. The meaning behind this was that I felt I had found what I had needed all along, and nothing was going to get me to turn my back on that. Nothing.

I gave up a lot this year to make myself available for that 'relationship'. I spent all of 2010 making wishes and hoping and turning down job opportunities and relying on the power of love to make sure everything would go as planned. There was never really a plan; there was actually never really anything at all. All there was was a large dose of crazy sitting on the other side of the phone. She was probably the most negative, parasitic energy I could have invited into my life. But my heart kept telling me 'dont give up'. For some reason, no matter how long this person told me it would take to get from point A to me or how many times we fought about who she was writing about in 'her blogs', I always trusted and had faith that it would work out. That once she was done with dance camps and auditions and off her contract that I was going to get the attention I deserved.

Patience didn't pay off. It actually made me look like a fool in multiple ways. It disconnected me from the present; I'd allow myself to focus so much on tomorrow and the next day and the next month or when ever she said she would have time to come see me. I became a shell, and the people around me saw it. They saw the pain in my eyes as I would simply get up to get something to drink. My brother even told me at one point that my energy was so negative that it was even starting to effect him...

Since I made that deal with New Years, I have lost more than I knew I had. I never really thought I had much, but after the events of this year- I realize I had it pretty good. I had a roof over my head. I had a family I could be with over the holidays. I had my college paid for, I didn't have to buy Mercedes' dog food... I would call that 'living the life' compared to where I'm at now.

I am heartbroken over someone who doesn't know me at all. Its a double whammy, cause the real person behind the face of who I thought I was with would never give me the time of day. My father told me in August I'm no longer his son after he decided to punch me for the lawn not being mowed. I didn't finish up my degree this semester; I actually didn't do anything. All of 2010... I sat waiting... to be crumbled. Living on a friends couch. Shifting between cocaine and heroin addictions and never once feeling like I like myself at all.

Some people count down the days until Christmas, but I'm personally just going to act like its March. Like the 25th is just a day. Emotionally, I can already sense that the day is coming. The heaviness in my stomach. The feeling of emptiness. The tears in random intervals. I want to avoid this as much as possible. Its not going to feel like Christmas waking up for the first time in 23 years alone, without a family, homeless and broke. Its going to feel like every other day. Lonely. Purposeless.

However, I did write Santa this year. I asked him for a few things, but most were unrealistic. I asked for a type writer. I asked for a bed. And lastly, I asked him for happiness and love.

Santa isn't fucking real either.