What exactly do you do with emotions that confuse you? Do you tuck them into that 'difficult times' space we all have or do you wear them on your shirt like a label?
I guess, like many writers, my vice is emoting too openly. Exposing those dark, judgmental sections of myself and saying 'here you go, here I am, take it or don't.'
I picture myself as a dryer. Some emotions get lost and never get found but others are all comfy to lay on and roll around in. I've never really tried to empathize for an inanimate object, especially one with ordinary nuisances. But right now, that's precisely how I feel. Tumbling feelings around for hours, days even, trying to do what 'i'm supposed to' with them. Process them normally. Dont shrink or leave anything damp and produce everything as expected.
The expectation level out of a one cycle, one process machine is pretty ridiculous. Sometimes, we are the ones at fault for the missing sock.
I do not hate you. I simply hate the person who attempted to be you. She failed. Horribly. Every conversation fell short of who you really are and I am now starting to realize how shallow her intellect was. It would be an insult to compare you two. Unfortunately, I have to. I was subjected to a fraudulent, make believe version of you and I feel short handed. Like the real you would have challenged me and persuaded me to be so much more of a better me and would have never dragged me through dirt and piss. You are amazing. You are a nebula and I hope someday, I'll be able to see you again in someone else. Someone who can make me laugh till I cry. Someone who can make me wonder if I'm thinking straight or if I'm following the right path. Someone who can inspire me with her art and intrigue me with her accomplishments and keep me on my literary toes with her words.
No one can mimic your slashes correctly. No one can move my insides with their movement like you. No one can be you... but I wish I could prove myself to be good enough to be with you. Just once. Just one real chance.
If there was a Make a Wish Foundation for broken hearts, or if there really was such a thing as getting what you want, I would ask for 25 minutes with you. Just 25 minutes to sit down and drink tea and play checkers and actually feel your presence. Just once. And I know I'll get passed this, and someday I'll look back and laugh at my actions... but until then... I'll just be that crazy guy who once told you he fell for you on accident.
I'm fine with being pathetically honest.
If people don't know how you feel then you may never get what you want. Always be "pathetically honest" at least then, you'll know you aren't missing opportunities because you didn't have the balls to say or do anything about it.
ReplyDeleteThat was me by the way so thank you :)