Last night was an in out bar night. By in out, I mean I remember walking in and dont remember how I managed to walk out. It was stupid, but fun. Kind of a 'goodbye to addiction' fest for me; today makes it day 3 of sobriety. I'm proud of myself. A little conflicting that I would drop an addiction... and celebrate by getting drunk... but hell, I'm a walking contradiction. I can't drink like I pop pills anyway; pills dont taste like shit.

I really want to know... how to stretch my leg properly!! Really though... I know its the side of my calve and behind my knee, and I can do static stretches and stuff against walls but ... I'm seriously walking like I shouldn't be walking. I almost want a wheelchair... ugh, help. Advice ?

This year was long. It was full of speed bumps and dope. Fights and misunderstandings. Deceit. Tears. Acid. Lots of that... horrifying amounts actually. I delivered a liter of puppies (grossly amazing, I'll admit!). I taught two classes while simultaneously taking 4 classes. Made deans list. I was invited to compete in a National Poetry Slam event, Rustbelt in Ann Arbor (reppin' KZOO)- and I got the worst score in the entire competition. I relapsed twice. Had to be literally picked up off the floor after being left crumbled and homeless. Went to jail after defending myself against my father. Gained a love for dance. Watched EVERY movie known to man. Legitimately... an epic year in my book.


Last year, I finished out the year saying, "yup, that sucked." - and then moving on like the past 365 days were worthless. Like 2009 had no quality or lesson. That ignorance... was my lesson. It taught me to be present. To take ego shatterings and dumb moves in and accept them for what they are. To be understanding of others faults and flaws because what I see in them, I really see in myself.

I made some mistakes this year. Some involved my heart, and others involved my sanity but most of all... the biggest mistake I made was not loving myself enough. For letting chemicals like heroin and cocaine into my system. For laying on the couch waiting for my dreams to come true. But- I am not ashamed this year. I am screaming to anyone who cares that I AM FLAWED AND I DO NOT HATE MYSELF for that.

Today, I am embracing yesterday. It was. It happened. I accept it. And I love myself more for being strong enough to come out of 2010 alive and in charge of my OWN FUCKING LIFE.

Dont step into oncoming traffic. I might just run you over.