There's never too many firsts

"Don't pass me by
without looking at me
my autumn is warmer
than your spring
I am like you
a child"


As I walked out the door of my therapists to a half snow covered, dead surrounding- I smiled regardless of the scenery. Probably one of the first times I've done that without premeditating the dreary, uncomfortable shaking induced by the cold and just going with it. Or being high and saying fuck it. But honestly, for the first time in years, I allowed myself to go into a situations today with zero clue of what to expect, anticipate or do. I went in with my guard down, my mind open and just went with what felt right. And the good thing is it payed off.

Today was epic. Not necessarily something to go running around rambling about but definitely something worth giving myself credit for. Its been a while since I've felt like I can get up and be active and engaged and social without a hesitant instinctual reflux, and today it just felt like clock work. Like I actually WANTED to get out and be productive.

I told my therapist last week that my New Years resolution was to do a complete 180 and head down a path I haven't tried. In accordance with that, I also told her I wanted to do some energy healing and acupuncture. Now, I was raised very western. Very Judeo Christian, with less abstractions and outside sources to give me a different perspective. A lot of this nurturing drove me to be rebellious and to find out the other side. Ex: I never saw myself doing drugs because I was told they were bad- therefore, I smoked when I was 12 and realized that the feeling I encountered was phenomenal. It made me feel like I was a kid again, like I could experience parts of my childhood silliness that were skipped because of cancer and more cancer and death. And if this feeling was so damn great, and was so accessible yet everyone was telling me its bad? What else could 'they' be lying about?

Since then, I've toned down my rebellion. I don't do things 'in spite of' facts or statistics- made up or not, I just do what I feel I'm meant to do. So this ear acupuncture talk and energy work sounded like something I wanted to experience. And this wasn't an experience I could study and research the effect of and go into it with an awareness of 'this is what I'm doing to my body, and this is what I should expect'. I even told my therapist " ya, I have a really horrifying reaction to needles and I dont really know what I'm supposed to be doing or focusing on so I'm kind of nervous" and she simply replied, " Just relax, close your eyes and if it feels uncomfortable at anytime I can stop."

I trust her. I trust my instincts. And I knew this was an opportunity to possibly encounter a waking moment.

I'm still having a hard time explaining what I felt, and still feel- but it was beautiful. See, with the drug background I have, its very easy for me to label a high or a feeling. Someone gives me some Kush and asks me to describe the high vs. some Diesel- I can give a pretty distinct interpretation. Likewise with psychedelics. I'm familiar with that realm of escape so well that I can articulate the inner effect it has in a universal manner. But today... I sat speechless. I had random spurts of wanting to just weep mixed with a calming natural chuckle and it truly confused me. But it was that confusion that made me feel right. Like I had just broadened my perspective a little.

The crazy part about the few things I could express I felt ( a. like there was a tuning fork ringing constantly in my right ear. B. burning sensation in my lower thighs and solar plexus, ect.) was that my therapist sensed all of them. Sensation for sensation. To sum it up, she said that for half the time- it was hard for her to get past this certain, close to the body energy we all have and it was stopping her from sensing my chakras. Once that tension released (which I sensed as well), she began working on my other levels of energy. She told me that she didn't feed much off my lower chakras ( meaning my grounding/ footing or confidence in reality, i guess, are off balance) and also that right side is off balance.

The irony, I told her, was that today was also the first day for me back on the mats. Putting the gloves back on and going toe to toe in the gym again. And when I fight, I never lead with my right foot...

So tonight, I went to this gym for the first time. Another experience I didn't know fully what I was getting into. I saw little kids with shin pads and smiles on their faces, rolling around punching each other. I asked my boy, " So do we fight the little kids?" and of course, we didn't get to do that (sigh, totally would've been hilarious). But what we did get to do is do a real quick warm up and start punching each other. Now, all these dudes have form. Have some discipline and technique. And me... well, I'm pretty much just a street fighter who knows his 1,2,3,4,5, and 6 punch and that he fights orthodox. Other than that, I am quite incompetent. Leg checks, kicking even- absolutely no clue. So we jump roped for a while ( which of course, I was already winded after) and then got right to sparring. Dudes throwing kicks and combos and I'm sitting there thinking for the first time in a long time that... I... am gonna get my ass whooped.

My boy turned to me, commenting on the fighter in the ring at the time and said "Irish doesn't know how to take a punch yet". And I thought to myself- I love a good punch. That impact reassures you that your alive and feeling and have to think on your feet. So, I put on some gloves and said I was going in for the last two minutes with some dude. The trainer looked at the fighters, looked down at me and said " no he can't go in, I haven't seen him do anything yet and he hasn't signed a waiver. Sorry."

I knew he wasn't confident in me. Shit, I wasn't even... but I still wanted to go throw. Might as well, that's what I came to do. Fortunately, someone in my weight class stepped down to me and invited me to just spar outside the ring. More so just see what I bring to the table.

When I marked up to him, that was probably the first time I had felt like my hands were useless. I felt so unsure of every move I was making. He wasn't throwing punches, he was laying in the cut just waiting. And thats my move usually; the one thing I do is duck and come over the top with my right on the counter. But he was making me open up. And boy, I did not do good. He caught me a few good times as I ducked and tried to work closer in on his reach and I got him maybe twice with some decent connections. All in all, I sucked.

He sat down with me afterwards and gave me some tips. Told me if we were doing kicks, he woulda kicked me in the face a few times with my ducking. Also told me my form is tweaked and some other stuff but he felt my power. Shit, I'm a buck 20 and can bench twice my weight almost. I got some heat in these arms, I just need to hone it correctly. Without gassing myself and overworking and just being composed and aware.

The great thing about being looked down upon is that someone, somewhere is going to see your potential and step up for you. This kid, who didn't know me, who just wanted to test whatever skill I brought, went up to the trainer and told him that he wanted to have me sign the waiver and he wanted to work with me. I overheard him say , "Dudes got some power, hes just a little all over the place with his arms." And that acknowledgment felt good.

Today was a lot of shuffles in the right direction. My ears are still burning, my necks a little soar but I feel full. Like I did everything a person should do in a day. I went into two situations blind and I am proud of myself for making those strides. I dont care that I can't jump rope. I dont care that I was confused with energy work. All I care about... is I did it. And I didn't reserve myself and hold myself back for once.

I'll be making this mma training a regular thing now. I need some discipline. I need something to force me to want to be healthier. Watch out, thats all I gotta say. Fighter since birth.