Warrior

"In joy and sorrow all are equal,
Thus be guardian of all, as of yourself"


Finally moving. Body back to mobility. Thank god or whoever for the good timing because today is a big one. Loads of productivity and that feels good :)

I was driving downtown the other day talking about my New Years resolution and what this next year is going to entail for me with an old friend. We have history but now we stay close because at one time, we were inseparable. There's tension, as expected, but the light hearted atmosphere of being outside the confines of a relationship always helps. No jealousy. No asinine arguments. She can simply be my ears, and I'm thankful for that.

She had asked me if I was still planning on joining the Army, and I had told her yes. I said, "Yeah, I'm going to have to get clean after the Wu-Tang concert and then head down to a recruitment office." She carried on, warning me about my 'criminal history' (which is petty) and a few other details. As I listened to her talk, I had my radio turned up just enough to hear Pretty Lights- Keep Moving playing sensually. I let out a huge , " UGH... I so wish I was going to see them on New Years Eve. I'm so jealous everyone got to go..."

Then the gears started moving. I started feeling scared of the thought of going through with my plan. I started flipping through memories and reflecting on what drugs made those memories so special. All the 4th of July's, all the random Friday nights in my Dad's basements throwing local raves and parties. All the performances induced by belief in my talent and a number of intoxicants. And what scared me... is that I've never had a completely sober moment. I've never acted or wrote or been social without some sort of chemical crutch, and I started wondering if maybe... I might lose myself going down this path. If maybe I'll stop writing. If maybe I wont listen to same music or enjoy the same things. If I wont talk the same, or act the same, or be... me. And that made me feel bottomed out. Like I might be making a horrifying mistake....

But that was exactly what I needed to process. As the tears started building up, and my lip started quivering, I looked over at my friend and said "You know what I've started to embrace as feeling good? That natural, instinctual fear we all encounter when change arises." She seemed perplexed by my statement. How could fear be something that feels calming?

I have made several life changing decisions, on my own, this year. And that's a first. They were scary. I went in head first with no clue where I would land. And I always had this initial feeling of utter abandonment of security. Like I was letting go of everything and there wasn't going to be any level of comfort ever again. After making these decisions, and seeing where they have brought me, I've become more aware of my emotions and what they mean. That fear... is a good thing. It means I'm making steps forward. Of course its going to be scary, change always is. But I know now that gut wrenching, tear jerking feeling that beats within my chest for the New Year...

is beautiful. Period.