I guess I should get used to this feeling. Rushed, unappreciated, no love, no bed, no space. Its not the most inspiring feeling though. Sometimes I just want to jump in my car, bring my dog and a toothbrush and my passion and go anywhere. This place is a grave for so many people and if I didn't have that drive to just go- it'd be mine too. I've watched parents throw away families with meth addictions, watched students exchange careers for partying, and I've watched the most passionate people in my life... become the most hypocritical. Yeah, I'll always have some memories from the Zoo. Its been my animalistic cage for 21 years. It raised me into this twisted contraption of insanity. And now I'm being freed, but not into a better environment. Its more of a forced freedom than anything. I have to do whats next. Have to.
And thats why this feeling sucks. Whats next is fear. Its utter abandonment of security. Its putting my life in the hands of government. No free will. No time to write. No women or escaping. Just acronyms, yelling, and time that ends in hundreds. Awesome.
The one thing I actually do feel good about in 2011 so far is my mma training. I went in with every intent to learn. And the other day, the trainer called me out and said 'fastest learner ever'. Which was nice. Coming from the guy who didn't have any faith in me a few weeks ago, who wouldn't even let someone punch me, who then see's me shrimping for the first time ( ya, I was confused by the term. Shits hard though, youtube it) and acknowledges that I'm malleable. That he can actually teach me stuff quickly. Theres a fight next month and everyone keeps asking me at the gym if I'm fighting. I can't tell if they're asking because they see potential or because they think I'll get fucked up, but either way... watching those cats roll around/rolling around with them is nuts. Pulling arms and wrapping legs around heads and just doing crazy shit. Stuff that I literally have to ask them to pause and tell me what to do with my body. Am I supposed to roll over? Am I supposed push your legs away from me? Or mine away from you? Ugh... if you saw my bloody shoulders and elbows, you'd understand the work I've been putting in.
Regardless, there isn't a point or a moral to what I've put on this page really. I guess this just amplifies how brain dead I feel lately. Lost, shoved, lonely, forced. I could go on. Sometimes, I wish that I could go back a few months or years and start some things, or never do some things, or never read that blog, or never fall in love with that person, or that person, or that monster... and thankfully, we're not aloud to do that. What happened .... happened. Probably with more of a reason then I want to acknowledge. Painful, yes. Horrifying, some days. But in the end... whenever that term comes to fruition, it'll make a better person. A better teacher. A better man....
In the mean time, please send me some protective shields. Preferably just in a thoughtful way, not literally. I'm taking my ASFAB next week and after that, I'll be infantry. Which means guns and war and me acting like I'm not scared while I'm shaking in my boots. It'll be tough but I've made it this far... I can make it through this too.
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