irony in really nude forms

This morning at 2 am, I decided I'd go for a walk. I wasn't tired. I wasn't in the mood to work out. I simply needed to be anywhere but in my room while I let out the most pathetic wail of a cry. This has unfortunately become a daily event of mine and sometimes, I can coach my thoughts. As I walked, I felt myself trying to hold it back. Like there was really someone watching a guy and his little pit bull walking at 2 in the fucking morning and was going to begin pointing and laughing at me for being such a wuss. Psh... out came the coach.

Its a mixture of my newly found internal monologue and past wisdom filled moments. As I turned a corner, I told myself 'dont hold it in, let it out.' So I did. In spurts, I wept. Occasionally, I would fall onto one knee (admittedly) before my dog would remind me we had to keep going. I interpreted the tugs as 'keep telling yourself positive things.' 'Its okay to feel this way.'- 'Its not your fault. Theres nothing you can do about it.'- 'Its not that your not good enough, it was a complete accident'- 'Be happy for her happiness until you can find your own', etc, etc. I walked for about an hour until my tracks led right back to where I'm staying, which made me cry even harder. Its gut wrenching for me to stay positive when I'm in an environment that makes me feel childish and leaching again. As I approached the garage, I completely broke away from my uplifting talk and just said ' I fucking hate this place, I fucking hate what I'm doing and not doing at this place, I fucking hate not feeling whole.'

I dont know what world my heart is in, but it needs to come back to this one. There is no reality in what it longs for. Its impossible for most to understand what exactly I'm talking about. Sometimes, I dont really know how it got there or more importantly, if I'll ever get it back. If its stuck there- if there's no amount of time it'll take to heal completely from this insanity- if in my 5 year plan, I still see meeting her and having her fall head over heals in love me instantly and wanting to give her every bit of my energy... if that is the actuality of this situation- I'm going to shoot myself. The grinding of my heart against walls of pure fantasy is becoming intolerable. Fuck the progress I've made in other venues, I NEED TO BE WHOLE AGAIN DAMNIT!!! I want to forget... I want to move on... I want to just be again...

I have a funeral to go to in a few hours so I gotta get my sleep. I just needed to exhaust for a second so I can close my eyes.