I can't tell. But I do know I've held onto that proverb. Coming from my experience, I'm always trudging through a certain amount of pain. Addiction taunting, epic loneliness, rejection around every corner, longing for the things I don't have and receiving everything I don't want. The one thing I do want from life is true happiness. Whatever that may be. And I feel like I've always been pursuing it, yet... all I have to show for that search is battle scars and missing pieces.
So out pops the philosophical side of my psyche: Predestined or choice. I've flirted with this concept on several levels but right now, it's driving me insane.
If every move in my life has been planned by the universe, and all I've experienced is constant runs through gauntlets and valleys... what exactly is the lesson? I know I could simply answer this with some motivational nonsense and say 'This is all to make me stronger for tomorrow'. But I'm done with that rhetoric. I am stronger. I have learned to an extent. But if the plan is for me to keep going through this darkness with the only thing to look forward to being more whips and beatings... well, the universe is a cruel bitch then. And I dont see an incentive to keep going.
However, I can't not believe in a path. I believe we all have one, with pit stops and detours and flat tires. I have to buy into it. Looking at all the people I've encountered; all the individuals who I've stumbled across who have picked me up or taken me under their wing or inspired me or befriended me or dated me... there is simply too many people in the world for a coincidence. The probability is enormous that I would find some really unnecessary situations. But none of them have been. All of them have been placed in my life as mile markers for a reason. Just... what is that god damn reason? Especially if its painful...
If this ultimate fate does exist, that means that I was meant to lose a parent at a young age. That means I was meant to be insecure. That means I was meant to be taken advantage of. That means I was meant to attempt suicide numerous times unsuccessfully. That means I was meant to go to jail on several occasions. That means I was supposed to have a broken, savaged heart. But this also means... I met YOU for a reason. We may not be able to figure it out yet but if this theory is sound, there is a reason. But living that question is hurting more than just knowing the fucking answer...
I've made it to 'dude' status with you. I get it; at this point, 'dude' status is better than none at all... even if it is mostly constructed from sympathy. But somewhere deep inside me I have this magnet for you. I just can't tell if its right. If pursuing that force is in the cards for me. Or for you. Or if we would even be good in any way for each other. If our minds would collide instead of mesh. If our opposite lifes will ever meet halfway. If all the preplanned conversations I've had in my head with you would even happen that way... or at all.
Giving up entirely feels wrong. I can't deny the physics of a magnet. The energy is there. I just wish I knew where this is leading me...
It's 5 am. I just got a call on my answering machine from Afghanistan. Today was the day I had planned on making it to the recruiting office to take my ASVAB... and I didn't. Instead, I get a call from someone I wasn't sure I was going to see again, telling me he heard I was coming in and wanted to talk to me about it first.
All these signs... where are they pointing me? Give me a clue life... just one.
Here's a little secret I stumbled upon once when I was walking with my brother through the woods. We were out late and it got dark, so dark that we could see the path anymore let alone even two feet in front of our faces. Earlier that day I remember telling him that if we just stopped and listened, stopped relying on our eyes so much and listened the answers were all around us. Well here was life giving me the opportunity to practice what I thought I figured out and some how with no light and a little faith I stopped looking and I heard something. I'll never know what it was but I walked us straight out of that woods and came out about five feet from the car and he looked at me and said, "How the hell did you do that..." and I said, "I didn't. I just listened." That's when you'll know where to find your clue.
ReplyDeleteI remember that story. I remember a pig, a battleship and a witch and a lion and a yellow brick road that only you could see. Cause your brother was absolutely no help with his blind fold and earmuffs on.
ReplyDeleteI suppose I should take more away from that story than I have. Earmuffs aren't necessary. I need to listen with my core as much as my ears. Nicely put.