Recovery

I'm getting really good at letting go. It used to be such a difficult concept. I used to have such empathy and compassion for those who I'd see on T.V or in the streets or on the couch next to me talking about "Well, I want to eat better-" or " stop smoking-" or " cut back on my drinking. Its just hard. Like, do you know what its like to ...." bla bla bla. You know the rest of the chorus. Its called justifying your unhealthy habits. It's also called having zero will power. Or maybe its just placing all of your will power into refusing change. Either way, its all words and no action. Too much thought in the wrong place.

Trust me when I say it is an amazing feeling to know YOU are in control of YOU. And to not just say it to yourself in the mirror or as something you want to start embracing; actually TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF. Its the only thing we can control. And that first step of self awareness and capability is comparable to landing on the moon.

The majority of what I've wrote in the past month has been about breaking addictions. And I have. And yes, I've slipped a few times marching down that path but it didn't take much to reaffirm my commitment. First, I let go of the pain pills. For the past 3 years of my life, I've been heavily into opiates. They were my cushion after workouts, my center during 'difficult' times, my after party after the parties every day of every week. They were also my escape. When my reality crumbled back in September, I looked everywhere for comfort. There were some days I wanted to just jump out of my skin and run anywhere and everywhere. So first I turned to the bottle, which isn't usual for me. Drinking has rarely been my thing, but I needed something. Anything. I was buying pints, and drinking it to the dome in a half hour only to pass out crying in the fetal position next to a coffee table. Once I got sick of that sloppy blackout escape, I turned to Oxycontin. I dabbled in it occasionally in high school- some years more than others. But I found a guy down the street selling the good ones for cheap. I'd go buy 2 or 3 for 50 bucks, split em up and dose myself every morning to slide through the day. And by slide, I mean nod in and out of consciousness while playing video games or watching movies. Hardly living. I did this for a good month or two until my doses were starting to effect me less and I was having to take more. I was watching my money seeping out of my pockets faster than I had hoped. I needed something cheaper. Something more potent. Which guided me to a drug I never thought I would seek. I just needed that oasis high. That utopia where pain wasn't even possible.

Heroin was embarrassing, and disgusting internally. I was so ashamed of it, I didn't even tell my brother about it till about a week after I had started. I was beginning to get sick of running to empty rooms or bathrooms to break it up and snort my lines, so eventually I just said ' Man, I'm doing boy. And its not for long, I just need to get through this and ...' bla bla bla... you know the chorus. He was surprised I had progressed that far but continued to support me regardless. I remember one morning, we had got up around the same time and he had just got done making himself a nice breakfast. As he sat down to eat his eggs, sausage and toast- I sat down next to him with a picture frame and my breakfast of heroin. He laughed at the contrast on the table, but inside I knew he hated I had chose that dirty route. From that point, I just started doing everything at once. I was eating Oxys, smoking my usual green, cigarettes, bar hopping, pop some Percacets or Narcos or whatever else I could, and top it off with some blow. I had no limits at one point towards the end of the year. It was all or nothing and about a month ago, I decided that it's time to start doing something different. Not something more potent. Not something more dangerous. Something more... lively. And healthy.

One by one, I let go. First, I stopped the opiates. It was difficult; I think I was more addicted to the process of breaking the pill in half to offset the time release and swallowing it then I was the actual high. Head aches and weight loss were physically all I experienced. A little depression. But even after that was checked off the list, I was still sitting with a decade long use of marijuana, 4 years of cigarette smoking, and 4 years of taking xanax. And the one out of all of them that was going to be the hardest to kick was weed. That was like breathing. The comradery and communion of the process was beautiful. The light feeling and the giggling and the eating and the music and the taste... ugh, it was all so much a part of my 'happiness'. But once again, I told myself to keep going. My modo was ' if you're going to do the work, better do as much as possible', so I did. I cut that out and god damn, that was not fun. I felt like an alien to myself. I felt like I even looked different. Some days, I still don't know if I'm who I like being. But I checked that one off.

Now, I was just looking at the feeble last scraps of addiction I had left. Cigarettes I have proven to myself twice before that I can do without. There's no reason for them other than boredom and missing weed. All of this is just a test of my will power; yes, I do believe when I get the liberty to indulge occasionally again, I will. But I have to prove that I can do this shit without intervention and without justifying and without ANYONE else helping me. This IS ALL ME!

Today is my 3rd day into quitting cigarettes. And I've done this 3 times in the past month... just to prove that I really am in control. The xanax will come later; my anxiety is clinical. But everything else I've mentioned has been on MY terms! and I'll be damned if I'll buy any stupid excuse anyone throws my way about "Oh, I want to. Its just..." or " I can't right now, I'm just not strong enough to..." or " My parents didn't love me and I dont think I can just..".

Try putting all that energy into yourself STOPPING. Whatever it is. And see how good you feel. Take my word for it. It's a good feeling to do something for yourself, by yourself. Even if it is temporary; practicing self control is empowering and amazing.