Stale

I'm feeling that timer going off in me. Its telling me something, if not everything, has to start moving soon. Being sick during a transitional period is like changing your oil then getting a flat tire; it's a obstruction you could do without. With me giving the boot to all my crutches and centering myself in me finally, I was hoping the universe was going to give me some credit. I was hoping it would give me that extra little push of confidence. But no. It decided to say " Hey, you gave up on drugs? Wow, and your making some life choices finally? Well good for you... let me beat you for a little longer." Stupid expectations. Note to self: Don't think life is going to cooperate with you during your hardships. It will more than likely scream and kick and pull your hair through all of it.

This year is supposed to be a pretty big one for me. Its supposed to be a year for finding my strengths and myself. For appreciating solitude and introspection, even if its difficult at times. And for mentally maturing past certain road blocks. Numerology has such a complicated algorithm and such on-point insights that its hard for me to categorize it with horoscopes or other generalized bullshit. Even some of the biggest skeptics I know have looked at their year number and said 'damn, really?'. Its hard for me to articulate what steps I've already made besides the blatantly obvious ones like breaking my own addictions. Some days, I question if I've really made any progress. But I have. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.

As this week draws to an end, I've closed in a on few conclusions that I need to stick to. Or at least try. For one: the substance of a friendship is quantified by thought and time. If there is little to no thought, and neither give the time, that relationship has expired and its best to throw it into that 'talk when we see each other' bin. Two: perception of what your entitled to can be a double edged sword. If thinking that you do, therefore, you receive (blank)- is right or 'fair', I'm sorry to tell you but not every action = something. Sometimes, you dont get anything. And that's life... Three: don't think you matter that much. Especially if its to busy people. I am having to accept this in little doses because somewhere through all these lines, I've hoped that they were reaching at least the person I wanted them to. But they aren't. That person doesn't care. This may be the only medium I have to attempt talking with them, but I might as well pick up a phone with a dial tone and just talk. I'd get the same response. Also, emails need to stop. If that person doesn't want to be my friend, that's pretty much my answer. No need to keep wishing and bothering them.

And four: I'm beginning to accept love as one feeling that I'm gradually giving up on pursuing. Slowly, but I'm to that point. After all, I dont even fucking know what the word means. It's like the word xenobiotic or tabescent to me but worse; at least those words you can look up in a dictionary but love doesn't have a universal definition. I've never been close to understanding it. I've never felt romantic love reciprocated. I feel like my heart is so capable of that emotion but all the universe has gifted it with in return is lumps of coal and tears. Maybe, love is just XENOBIOTIC to my core... I'm trying to be okay with that.