We all have shells. Comfort zones. Places we go back to when we need to rest our head or take a breath. I understand this 'blanket' concept just as well as the next typically normal individual. Some take it to extremes; still sucking their thumbs, sleeping with childhood teddy bears, calling their parents when life gets unfair. I'll admit, I'm not innocent when it comes to that topic. I sat in a comfort zone made out of chemicals and not doing shit with myself or my life for a good while there. The difference between now and then is that I've began to realize what that comfort zone was doing to my days. It was turning them into a television marathon of yesterday. And yesterday. And 5 years ago.

I'm not going to sit behind this screen and act like I'm a completely new person. I still have many, many, MANY flaws and slip ups. I still carry alot of my old mistakes and feelings in my hands, ready to drop them on peoples plates if I let myself. I haven't figured out a way to shape shift yet (unfortunately) or fast forward 3 years or do back flip 180's and land safely going the opposite way without bringing some sort of old habit with me. Whether its biting your nails, or being a social butterfly, or loving on your dog every morning when you wake up- theres some habit that follows you. What I'm frustrated with is the difficulty people have deciphering the difference between a bad habit or pattern and a personal trait.

This page is my comfort zone. It has become a limb. A new set of vocal cords. I would also attribute this as one of my 'personal traits'.

My heart is severely retarded. It has no common sense and has had zero attention or positivity. Therefore, it makes me do stupid shit like whine and bitch passively through these lines, or go back to people from my past who I know are sucky people. This is one of my 'bad habits or patterns'.

See what I did there? I fucking labeled, embarrassing as it is, a bad pattern of my own and also a personal trait. They both have commonalities, yes. Did I confuse them? I dont think so. I clearly stated A.) That my writing is where I feel safest at and B.) That my heart is a moron.

I dont keep many people in my immediate social circle any more for this reason and this reason only. I used to love attention; always having groups of friends over after school, or leaving class to go discing with folks or go to parties and get plastered with whoever for whatever reason. I used to enjoy that. But in the space I'm in now, and have been for a while, I don't just throw the word 'friendship' around anymore. It's something I invest in. If you are considered my close friend, I know you. I know your patterns. I know your tendencies. I know your past and how it effects you today. And thats why my arsenal of 'close friends' consists of maybe 2 people.

If I invest in you, and I give you my energy and my advice and my time and you put on this mask to impress me or appease my questions, you can fuck off. Seriously. I'm not your dad. I'm not your teacher or your principal or a cop. I'm a friend who just wants to offer any bit of help I can. And if you're going to have a conversation with me about what you're doing with your life and what you wish you were doing with your life, and it becomes a conversation we ALWAYS have and it NEVER accomplishes anything... then what the fuck are you doing?! We can sit there and articulate your patterns and your bad habits till the cows come home but until you fucking step up and do something to obscure that path you've laid down for yourself... were going to find ourselves in this same spot, with these same words, and you... with your same damn problems.

Dont bullshit me. If you dont want to change, you're actions are going to be megaphones compared to your voice. The oration and performance of words is an art, trust me, I've practiced alot. I've worked on inflection and tone and pacing and rhythm. But I don't think I've ever added impulsive lying to that list. I've lied, ya. To myself, ya. But if I want to do work IN HERE... fuck talking, I'm going to do it and you can tell ME what you see.