Last night was my first night outside the catacombs of solitude. I've been feeling the need to start practicing hanging out with my friends sober, because that's when your will power truly gets tested. I've also finally began to start feeling okay with myself physically again; I've decided to make a goal of working out everyday and I'm getting my situation back. Makes me feel a tiny bit more confident. Not that I'm going to pull chicks by lifting up my shirt or fist pumping or anything, but you know that feelings of 'alright, I know this looks good and I worked hard for it so I'm going to feel good' right?
Anyway, put my swag together and headed out for the night. It seemed to be turning into one of those 'thought we were going to do something but ended up doing nothing' nights, but around 11, Kitty and I decided to go pregame before a night of good old bars. Drinking isn't on my addiction list, and I deserved a night of rewarding. So jello shots and multitudes of random potent girly drinks were ingested. The only problem with the bottle is how much more receptive you become to peer pressure and 'joining the party'. When the bowl got passed to me, still lit from the last smoker... and I'm drunk... and looking at the pipe like its an old prostitute I miss having sex with... for me to actually pass it on and not hit it made me proud of myself. I'll pat myself on the back for that one.
The night went on, with pictures and putting drinks on my husband Mike Millers tab and watching friends ride mechanical bulls. It was a good time; felt good to be smiling and dancing again. But after the bars close is when filth comes out and let me tell you... last night ended up really dirty.
Cops always show up to bars at last call to make sure people leave. But when your with a group of drunk heathens, some with 700 pound 8 foot framed bodies and jealousy issues, well... thats when the cops become a hornets nest. And you dont play with hornets- I've learned that.
To save a long story from being even longer, 4 out of the 7 people I went with got arrested. One got tazed. The owner of my ride home got arrested along with his friend. And to top it off, the driver who was trusted with the ride home... gets arrested. It was a fucking circus. And I'm going to pat myself on the back again because in all honesty, I could have been swept up into all that chaos had I not known that hornets dont play nice. They dont care if you just want to find out whats going on with your friends; they will just sting you for being a drunken mess and talking to them.
I grabbed my fight or flight lasso and gathered the remaining scraps of my crew to the car. I was in no condition to be driving that vehicle but at this point, I was the only one acting like I knew what was going on. The two girls get in the car, I pull into a parking lot and wait for the wasps and rioting to leave my driving path. The girls I gathered were fucking sexy, I'm not gonna lie. The type of girls who attract flocks of drunk ass hats to the car to 'make sure they're getting home okay'. As I'm sitting in the drivers seat, I'm just waiting for these bastards to turn off their autopilot cock babbling and stop trying to fuck these girls through the windows. I leaned over after listening to an excessive amount of bad pick up lines and introduced myself to the group.
"Hey whats your name buddy?", reaching my hand towards the window.
"Mike man, you sure your good to drive man? I dont want these girls, you know, getting into more stuff, you know like..." He probably went on for a while but I stopped listening.
"Yeah, no I feel you. I'm an Army general and I have my credentials to drive them where they need to be partner." I gave him the good head nod brush off, took a deep breath to stop myself from laughing at what I just said, and rolled up the windows.
We got back to these girls place in one piece. They proceeded to take the majority of their clothes off and begin flipping out about whats going to happen to our friends. This went on for about two hours. One chick was calling anyone and everyone; lawyers, parents, old roommates from summer camp. It was ridiculous. And I kept telling her " There's nothing we can do. Trust me. They'll be let out once their sober on a C.O bond and thats that." But no, she still wanted to figure out 'what was going on'.
"Like, what am I supposed to do? I mean, I got money and I can go get them out its just like, I feel so bad because this is all my fault you know? I dont know what to do"
I listened to this respectfully. After all, I still hadn't figured out if I was going to try to fuck her or not. But after those two hours of nonsensical childishness, I made my decision and left that shit storm. Another pat on the back for that one.
A few hours ago, I dragged a moral out of this. Partially about this situation and partially about my emotional state. So I'll state it.
1.) I am a good guy. I could have easily witted my way into some retarded sloppy drunk vagina last night and all I did was drive them home and leave.
2.) I can pass on grass. YAY!
3.) DONT PLAY WITH HORNETS DAMNIT
4.) This is the one thats not going to make much sense, but its where I'm at right now... - I come to this blank canvas everyday to spill my insides. Including right now. Is it a healthy outlet for me? Yes. But I'm taking a break from you. Just a little one.
I'm starting to realize my feelings are still jailed in a fantasy. I can't do anything about it. I've tried telling myself I'm over it, tried looking into other females and options, tried venting to this page. All of this in attempts to stitch up that wound. But its not working. And I'm not sure if any of that will ever work. And everyday it seems a little heavier. I feel like I've gained 200 pounds of stupidity and lost time.
Songs will still make me cry that shouldn't. Memories exist in me that shouldn't and never should have been there. And this attachment... this thread of whatever it is... is a one sided, one way collision course with suicide if I dont shut the fuck up and do something different.
I gotta let go. This is my attempt.
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