I just got done having a good chuckle looking through one of my favorite bloggers bloggins. I think its great to have a public archive of yourself to go back through or have others go back through and see how much you've grown and evolved and matured. Its like keeping a scrapbook of memories and scars and laughs and life changes- through unleashing thoughts, movies, images or quotes that meant something to you at the time or about people who meant something to you at the time... This is a very fulfilling practice. I wont lie. And this special blogger will always have her name stitched into the majority of my internal organs because of the amount of herself she's shed in her words. Whether she likes it/I like or not, its there. I guess it's just admirable. And cute. Annnnd, what can I say... Dorks make my heart beat. Thats just my programing.
Believe it or not, this isn't my only blank page. Yep, I am a word whore. I constantly have a Word document open, at all times, just for me to throw completely incomplete ideas or lines against. It oddly consists of more embarrassing banter than this does (is that possible?). I started writing a piece of... something... tonight and its so not my voice or my style and I know tomorrow, I will wake up and read it and think to myself 'what the hell were you thinking? a poem about customer service for love? come on buddy'... but I wont delete it. It will stay open for me to go back and love on later with some attention and thought.
The days are starting to get a little lighter. I'm laughing more. I'm practicing more of what I need to and applying it to my everyday. I'm gaining pride in myself and my path again. Much needed.
I had a beautiful dinner made for me tonight by a friend and we just sat and talked for a few hours over a bottle of wine and deliciousness. I noticed the way my conversations are beginning to change, and I like it. I dont try to come from a 'wise' space anymore. But I dont do small talk or anything of that nature...ever... and I refuse to (EVER). I just dont try to put up a front like I know anything more than anyone else. Because honestly, I'm just as clueless as the next. But I will ask deep questions still; I just dont respond with any form of advice, just questions and support. I am the last person for advice. Really. And I know this now. Thank god.
We talked about everything; music, my up bringing in poetry, high school, line ups for festivals and then we reached a topic that I knew I needed to address. This person and I have some past that has been left unresolved and I went into that dinner telling myself 'you need to be a man and apologize tonight.' So eventually, as the conversation left off at a pause, I looked down at my plate and said ' You know, I feel like I owe you an apology.' She asked what I could possibly need to apologize for and I explained myself. To not go into details, I broke it down and told her that I am truly sorry for the way I reacted to somethings and that we have some hilarious memories and have always had a good friendship and I felt I had to respect all those positives by showing her, face to face, that I am sorry. This isn't usual for me to step up and say something like that but... I am glad to see myself actually making good, productive, self induced changes. It felt good. It felt necessary. And instead of being a coward, and hiding behind fluffy talk and surface level nonsense, I said what I knew I had to. I need to do this more often.
Anyway, today was good. And by today, I guess I technically mean yesterday... ugh I need to get my sleep realigned with nature. Note to self: sunrise doesn't mean bed time. I'm going to read some more gonzo papers and try to coax my mind to turn off.
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