Grocery shopping

You and I have more in common than you think. We may have traveled a different course, may have stumbled into different situations, but our hearts still beat the same. Our lungs still inflate. We still sleep and eat and shit. Are you listening? We are the same god damnit. There is nothing special on this side of the screen. Just another human here. Hi. I'm glad to see your with me so far. What separates us is obviously our choices and actions. I choose to spill emotions publicly and live in corners. Maybe you chose differently. Maybe you keep you words to yourself and save them for properly timed responses. Maybe you have a circle of friendships that you go back through time to time. But I still argue that we are no different in nature. We all experience these feelings, these insecurities. We all deal with our demons. We all dance to our own beat and sing when no ones watching and tell people we love them when we dont know what that really means in the first place.

The other day I wrote, ' I am glad I am the only one in my head. Its a filthy, dehydrated, sexy place.'- and I couldn't be more honest. What goes on behind these eye lids is frantic and disturbing. I am truly appreciative of privacy, as much as it may seem I keep my cards on the table at all times. I will assure you, I do not. I keep a few cards in my pocket so that I can have some self to myself. The majority of my outside writing is too vicious to let loose on the public eye. Its self conscious. Its brutal. Its more incriminating than what I share here. But I was reading through some of it and realized, there's some universals tucked between those lines and it'd be a shame to not let this one off the leash. However, keep in mind, this is still edited somewhat... gotta keep a few cards.


-I was at the grocery store the other day. I grabbed my basket, noticing the lanes available to choose from. There was two; one with a fat, elderly woman no taller than 5 foot and diabetes and the other had a very attractive Latino nugget. As I approached check out, I obviously chose to go to the old lady. After all, I was in no mood to have deal with the processing I already knew I would encounter.

I walked past the tabloids and began grabbing my food when I saw that she had just set out the 'closed lane' sign before I got there. Sweet. Just my luck. Of course I would have to go put on a front like I'm cool for the sexy grocery store chick. I took a breath, picked my chin up and entered her lane.

You ever have one of those moments where there's a feeling of automatic walls down? The one where an introduction isn't necessary, finding out their favorite color or food doesn't come first but instead, you feel this openness with the person right away? Now, not to toot my own horn or boast like I 'had it in the bag' before my groceries were, but her initial 'Hey' had a tone showing me more than just a 'Hey, I'm just doing my job and I'm disinterested.' So I responded, and the typical small talk ensued- 'did you find everything you were looking for?' - 'I did, thank you.' and whatever whatever, but as she's ringing me up, my mind started triggering my mouth to say more. Now... lets break this down a little further.

1.) My judgment on age is really... really bad. More often than not I find that I don't know the difference between a 17 year old and 25 year old unless we're at a bar, which in that case, I know they're at least 21. But in general society, I couldn't pick a tween out of a line up. Especially if they are attractive. Meaning, pretty much, I have a pedophile quality to my eyes and thats dangerous. Bad things can happen. In more than just the legal route.

2.) I dont know my heart from the back of my hand. If I were to have actually induced something past small talk with this grocery store beauty, I would have regretted it from the get go. If it went to a date scenario, I'd probably not show up. I probably wouldn't even call her. I would KNOW after that hook was set that I ... just made a really bad mistake for both of us.

3.) My life is in limbo. In number 2 and in that I dont know if tomorrow, or next week, or a month from now, I'm even going to be where I am right now. Especially with the military as an option still, nothing is insuring my residence here. That would ultimately leave heart ache for one of us, if not both.

So this is whats going through my head all during that little 3 minute scan, card swipe and bag process. And all of the above reasons made me feel really fucking weird. Did I do anything? Nope. Did I say anything that I shouldn't have ? Nope. But I felt it. And I dont like that my feelings completely play against my mind... almost always. And on top of all that, I had that embarrassed feeling about what I was buying. I'm supposing its similar to the cliche of getting condoms or douches or Vagisil; you dont want to necessarily promote that you're buying the product. I feel that way about my food. This girl is seeing everything I eat and its not pretty. Its not fancy. Its not suit and tie worthy. Its total 'I'm broke, my diet sucks, judge me now' feeling. Which made me feel even more odd, that this little tan skinned dime could not only be 12, but could also be thinking 'man this guy is really fucking poor.'

I think about things way too much. Far too much. My processing is too in depth and complex. I'm sure 99 % of what I think, no one else would. Not that I'm above anyone, just that I don't think anyone out there has the damaged thinking I have. I am stale goods, I am emotionally retarded, I could have walked out of that store with 20 dollars worth of food and a Freshman in high school. AND ITS A GOD DAMN GROCERY STORE! Am I really searching that deeply still? Even without consciously doing it or wanting to, my heart still goes to that place even during remedial tasks like grocery shopping...

I think this all amplifies how insecure I truly am. I am scared of every emotional avenue possible. Physically, I'm not. I have confidence in my body, and my ability to do the majority of physical activities I throw in my way but emotionally, I am fat and I have a electric chair for mobility and I dont come out of my house and I dont say what I think as much as I should (in this case, definitely better I didn't though) and I dont act the way I wish I did.

When does becoming fixed happen? Or will it?