I write alot. If you're going to be my friend or a lover or simply just read this ( which, going by my follower basis <, you probably aren't) you gotta understand that I am married to my writing. I put a ring on its finger after it saved my life, and we've been together ever since. Everything else- girlfriends, drugs, bars, ect.- those were all just past times. This is me. This is my journal, my diary, my soul. Its flawed. It has misspellings and self loathing and blood everywhere but its perfect the way it is. Accept it or just click that little thing at the top of your screen with an X inside a red box because I'm going to keep going. Period.

I have a few regrets in my life. Just a few. Only because the rest of the things you would expect me to regret- I have forgiven myself for. The stealing from my dad when I was younger, the crashing cars while in blacked out stupors, the grabbing rabbits out of pet shop crates and running out the door only to neglect them until they die... I've forgiven myself for ( the last rabbit I stole lived for 7 months; she was rad and I named her after my favorite rabbit from a novel so suck it PETA, I did a better job for her than Petco.) But when it comes down to regrets, alot of us have a hard time zeroing in on them. The stigma behind 'regret' keeps many of us from acknowledging them because regret is tied to weakness in our vocabulary. It means we haven't 'learned from what we did' or 'we haven't accepted what happened'... but thats not necessarily the case. You can learn from a regret. Regrets can occur for a reason. You can also accept regrets as regrets and leave them there.

To find my regrets, I've had to find what embarrasses me. Also, the things that still hurt when I think about them. I don't suppress anything anymore so I'll share what I found inside:

1.) I regret quitting the piano. Even though I took a clownish college level piano course, that rhythm never came back. Cords, all that stuff- still there. But the creativity I used to have... where ever that went, I wish I could have found it and kept it long ago.

2.) I regret trusting the girls I've had sex with. I've been with two and I've contracted the same STD three separate times. That should tell you how easy it was for them to gain my trust( hence also, my fear of sex...).

3.) I regret... ever opening my mouth and sending emails and... just, everything that has happened to me in the past year and a half- I regret all of it, including the cathartic responses and such. You would think number 2 would be something you dont tell anyone, let alone- the world, but this one... this is the one I would love to be buried with. I still haven't fully embraced the reality of what happened or the reality of how I reacted to it. I can only speak of it in this sort of vague way because of how embarrassed I still am about the entire instance and how sorry I am for involving the people I did... I sent embarrassing emails, wrote an abundance of embarrassing pathetic vomit... and... I'm not that guy. I am just not that guy. But I have been and will be because... ugh, I was and am incredibly stupid I suppose. I dont even want to know how the recipient of all of this views me... or how she's talked about me... I feel annoying and hubris at the same time when I even think about her talking about me. If I were to wish for anything, I wouldn't wish for a mom back, or me to never touch drugs or the girls I did or steal rabbits... I would wish I could unsend every cry, and erase every memory, and have zero knowledge of who certain people are and what their birthdays are and where they grew up and lived and who they dated... I wish I could just erase 2010. The end of 2009. And the beginning of 2011. Because this feeling... I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I regret being a victim.