Its getting old.

I haven't seen you in my dreams for months now. Its been peaceful and meaningless. Its been good. But last night, for some reason, I got visited by your ghost. Not that you're dead... just you really weren't ever alive for me. I don't know how you react or how your natural accent sounds or your laugh so I'm always confused when you show up in my dreams. Especially with no purpose other than to show me what I already know.

I was dealing cocaine. I don't know what for, but I was. I didn't feel proud of it. I felt paranoid and chased the entire dream. There were images of bathroom stall exchanges followed by encounters with police who watched as I fidgeted through my pockets and dropped baggies on the ground. I remember running a lot. But then you were there. And I wasn't expecting it and I wasn't prepared for any of it and you didn't just bring yourself. No, of course my mind had to make a traumatic experience even more traumatic. You brought your best friend with the amazingly heart wrenching windpipes and with her came the advice that you BOTH should surprise me. I believe she convinced you. I'm pretty sure you'd have to be convinced to do anything that ridiculous and unnecessary. But you two did. And you showed up and we met and it wasn't special and it felt weird but we all still hung out like we were roommates in boring past lives. I felt like a let down. Like I had nothing to offer this situation that was going to gratify your compassion. Somehow, we all slept in the same room. It wasn't like that though, it was a comfort thing. Then, I woke up (in my dream) and you both had shifted into other people for my past. You were now Vegas and windpipes was her best friend, who have less substance in my core than you two. But they weren't even there physically; it was just a change in characters and who I was referring to. No one was there. I was alone in a room, in a bed I didn't know how I got to, looking for anyone who was able to tell me why all of a sudden I'm lonely and don't have anyone near me. I spent the rest of the dream searching and making unanswered phone calls and stressing over where all these people went...

I GET IT ALREADY UNIVERSE! Fuck, you are not being subtle any more. I dont have to process the subtext of the situation above even before I've learned my lesson from it. I felt it. I still feel it. It feels like hunger and pain. It feels like every other day I wake up. Its not new. Its the same shit, over and over and over. I get it alright... I get that I didn't ever have access to any of the people in my dream, and no matter how much I wish I could rewind time and replay scenarios and make the outcome be something different... ultimately, I will continue to wake up by myself, lonely and wondering what happened to all the people I wanted in my life. Awesome lesson. Fucking broken record..

The coke thing, however... that's was just uncalled for. I was already having a anxiety dream, there was no need to add that. Thank you for that random dose of bad sleep. Bastard mind.