While dealing with my chemical break up, I was talking to a friend about how she was doing walking those same steps. Her addictions are different; more oriented around relationships than drugs... but drugs were definitely apart of her whole picture. This was a typical conversation we had. Constantly actually. Years and years of the same circles. However this time, I wasn't preaching what I wasn't practicing.
Our meals came and I asked how everything had been going with guys and her ailments. She said, " Well, I've cut everybody negative out. Buddy, all them- they're old news. I'm just trying to do me. I dont smoke that much anymore. I only drink when I go out and now that I'm working, I dont get a chance to do that much any more."
I had a feeling she was just telling me her short term, current 'this is today' story. I took a bite of my food, nodding respectfully. After she was done explaining, I asked " So... if you've let go of all those things, are you supplementing?"
She said, " I guess. But so are you right? You gave up drugs, but now you habitually work out instead."
I tried rationalizing for a while. I tried making my adding + subtracting sound right. Like my lack of intoxicants is way better than scarring muscles and joint problems.
I was out running today. I've gotten into a good pattern of doing this a few times a week. I have this route I do through the neighborhood; down the street, left onto saddleclub, do a loop at the end, and come back. A good 2 miles. And usually, I have to coax my self via the mantra I wear to keep running at least to the mail box where I stay. Hard work. Hard work. Hard. Work... But today... I hit this foreign plateau mentally. I made it to the mail box and my mind just went blank in between breaths. I started counting each exhale... 1...2...3...4... all the way to 50 and then I'd start back over. Before I knew it, I was at the other end of the subdivision. My feet kept going. Propelled by numbers and my dogs infinite pep.
When I got back, I wasn't done. I went into the depths of this house, put on Shade 45, and went at the bag and the weights for another hour. I told myself yesterday that today was a rest day; I had done this same regiment and my body was telling me to sleep. But I didn't. This new found plateau felt like being high. It was untouchable. And now, at 2 in the morning... I'm feeling that familiar fiendish quality bubbling underneath my skin...
Is this okay? Is my supplementing becoming another unhealthy addiction? Is this just me... and no matter where I go in this maze, I'm always going to find something, whether its blogging or girls or working out, to be addicted to? Is there such a thing a being a healthy addict??....
I swear I'm not crazy. I promise this to myself as much as you. Maybe no matter how far I run and how fast I go and how much healthier I get... I'll always be in front of that same mirror... looking at the same person I've always been regardless of what I'm doing differently.
I'm scared of that reality....
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