I've been spending my time recently just drinking by myself. Not getting hammered and stammering around the house breaking t.vs or nothing, but just enough to relax my mind. The absence of what I use to use has been tweaking with my mental state. Severely. I thought I would feel like a new person. Like I hit a much needed growth spurt or reinvented myself. And in some ways, it has. But it doesn't feel like how I anticipated. It feels great in the gym. It feels great when I think about the will power it took to bring me here. However, it doesn't make me feel 'good' in general. I feel like a new born. Like I need to relearn how to walk and talk and spell my name again. Its scary, I'll admit. Sobriety is the dark side of the moon for me and its cold and lonely and on some days, it makes me completely reconsider my choice.
Today, I revisited my thinking tree. Its the one tree both my dog and I can climb together. Probably quite a sight for others passing by. But I'm used to it. She was Spiderman in another life. Anyway... I sat in the tree drinking. I dont think it respected my choice much. Its used to me and thought provoking intoxicants; gracing its branches with the appreciation and empathy of acid, or the calming scent of its fellow sister plant but not with numbing, clumsy drugs. Potentially dangerous things can happen. But I had to express that this is where I'm at right now, and unfortunately, I have substituted the good for the bad. It reassured me of my bad choice by letting my feet slip a few times, but I stayed inside its grasp. Its been there over the years, through all the seasons, all the changes and broken limbs and shedding bark so it has to bare with me while I shift a little. It understood.
My reason for heading there was derived from my recent discovery of inability to meditate. I have no religion backing the process; its simply something I've began doing to try to feel what arises when it arises and understand it. But every time I do it, I get to a point where my emotions are bombarding my capability to deal with them one by one. About 20 minutes in, there's just too much insecurity and need and distractions for me to continue on. So this brought me back to my tree. I've always found some sort of peace there. Something for me to hold onto. Some unity and some reasoning.
Today I found nothing but memories. I started to remember all the 'good times' and all the highs and the kiddish climbing and then, my mind turned back to a conversation I had a few months ago near this very spot.
"So let me ask you, whats you're main reason for wanting to join the military? What is it that your looking for?"
"Well, I feel like I need some relevant life experience. I need to do something outside of my comfort zone and something I'm afraid of. I feel like this will not only be beneficial for my writing and give me some credibility, but also validate my purpose. And if I dont make it out in one piece or at all, then I guess thats whats meant to be."
He paused for a second, turning around to address me face to face and said,
"You kind of want to die, dont you?"
I didn't know how to answer that immediately. At that moment, I felt that the bottom line to my decision had been discovered, and it was one that I hadn't fully noticed on my own yet. But now it was in the conversation; it was out in the open and I had to be honest with myself and him.
"I suppose you could say that," I said.
We reached an opening in a field. There was silence for a second, but he grabbed the opportunity to tell me the positivity and potential he sees in me, even if I can't.
"Well man, I can tell you this : you don't deserve to die. Whatever you think you've done in your life to not be worthy of life is just the way you perceive it and not the way others perceive you. You are useful and you have good qualities; I've seen the way you can reach others. I've seen your gifts and your flaws together, but none of that sums up justifying losing you."
Thats when I checked out of the conversation. I had to acknowledge this as being true; I felt it, it had to be accurate on a certain level if it invoked an emotional shut down.
And to be honest, I haven't left that space yet. Every time Monday rolls around for me to take that first step into the military and take that test and hand my diploma and social security card and birth certificate over to the government, I always have this conversation on repeat in my head. I don't want to enter something simply because I'm too much of a coward to kill myself on my own. I don't want to enter a half a decade experience with the wrong motivation. I want to be able to do it for the 'right' reason... and I still haven't figured out if I have that reason yet. Money... is that a good enough reason? Life experience... is that a good enough reason? Death... cannot be a good enough reason.
I am young. I have a lot of life to live. I have people to make proud. I have friends and family that want to see me keep going, even if on most days, I... could care less.
I got down from the tree and headed back to my car. I hadn't found anything that I was looking for. Meditating will still be hectic for a while. My path is still going towards a death wish. But I have to begin taking more steps towards something... I have to validate my decision to quit drugs, and get back in shape, and all of these months spent processing- all of this has to lead to somewhere.
If I were to want any super power, I would want to be able to see tomorrow as clear as I can see yesterday.
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