A few bar tips

Alright, I'm hammered but I gotta lay down some ground rules on going out to bars. Drunk or not, right now I'm am very aware of what to do and what not to do.

A.) Go with girls. This gives you an automatic in and automatic upper hand to keeping yourself from being a side liner. They will also look to you for back up, which is a plus; you get to act silly and intrusive in order to shoo guys away

"Do I know you?" says creeper to girl/friend

Enter you

Start raging. In their face. Stare at them. Uncomfortably. End of conversation.


B.) Go with gays. I love me some gays. I used to hang out with more straight dudes who act gay and I got no love ( surprise). Now, I hang with more gay dudes who act straight and boi ... I'm telling you, they pull more girls than hair salon. No joke. Fuck homophobes. If you want girls to think your creepy, act really really masculine. And grab them aggressively towards your groin. If you want girls to feel comfortable, surround yourself with neutral dudes. Trust me.

C.) Wear a smile. If you are the type, like me, who finds bars annoying and claustrophobic, at least find something to laugh about. The obviously desperate dudes, the horrible dj's playing 90's chart toppers, the couple who just met 11 minutes ago making out vigorously. Go up to the couple making out. Act like you're just dancing and get really awkwardly close to them. Make eye contact with them and nod your head like your cool. Then make them feel weird by feeling one of them. This... will insure that you dont mean mug and don't look unfriendly.

D.) GIRLS KNOW WHEN YOU'RE SETTING UP A GAME PLAN. If you walk into a two set, and pull them apart, and start grinding on them, and you've never met them in your life.... bet five minutes later, they will be back by themselves, away from you, whispering about how lame your attempt was. Dont be that guy. Come up with a new trick. That one is like a pick a roll. The defense sees it coming. Period.

E.) Dont stand on the dance floor if you're just going to... stand. Fucking go sit down. Stop being weird. If you dont have the balls to get cool with some people, or you dont have a crew with you, just get the fuck outta there. There is nothing more strange than looking to your left and seeing someone by themselves...standing there... with their drink... doing nothing but anxiously waiting for a miracle. News flash: you're a fucking odd ball. Go some where else till you fit in. Sorry.

and last but not least

F.) If you dance like no ones watching, you better hope your not a goonish, gumpy mother fucker with no coordination. If so, you will be watched and yes, you will be mocked and I will jump into your circle and completely make everyone, including myself, look just as dumb as you. There is such a thing as dancing without spilling your drink. Its called steeze. Its also called game. Get in your groove without fucking up everyone elses. Being too drunk to notice you've just brought back a very serious, intense running man is not a good look. Its something to point at and say 'Holy shit, look at him'. Again, you dont want to be that person.


These are my tips for bars. In addition, use fake childish names when introducing yourself to people you dont give a shit about- like kyle, or tyler, or frank. This allows you to just be character and not your lame, boring, intellectual self. Tell them you live in Indiana. And you have a daughter named Moon. Or a business selling water color paintings of the 1956 St. Louis Cardinals.

Just tryin to help you out on your weekends.