I miss that

Some days, I really wish I was capable of giving awesome, bone rattling advice. The type of stuff you read and feel like a door just opened into a part of your mind you never decided to walk into. Like a deep breath or a cold shower. Something refreshing and right out of the box.

Even with my 'life experience', my trials and tribulations, loss, addictions... even with all those things in my pocket, I have zero to teach you. I have nothing prolific or profound or enlightening to share. Nothing to shake loose what ever idea your stuck to right now. Really. I am fucking lost.

I constantly battle back and forth with... well, everything. I would love to know if there's going to be a point in my life where I'm just going wake up. Fully. Not just for a few weeks or months, but actually step up this ladder and not fall back down. I'm beginning to think life is just a bunch of circles. Sometimes they overlap and sometimes they don't complete the full 360 but mostly, they just repeat. Cycle after cycle. Year after year.

Yesterday was balls. Big ones. My brother told me about the Mercury Retrograde that just started on the 30th of last month, and being that I was trying to find any feasible way to rationalize my bad news and head ache, I just accepted the astrological theory. I'll blame everything bad and unfair on that until he tells me its over. Sounds like a holiday for my bad habits to come out and play.

So last night, I went out. And yes, I got silly. But I needed that. Yesterday was a total reason for me to go do some dirty nonsensical debauchery. Mass drinking, fist pumps, bad djs, ex girl friends, dancing on boxes, early morning Stake and Shake, friends puking out of my back window while ordering, pictures, and cocaine. Ugh. It was one of those nights.

I'm struggling with my demons again. On all levels. I've noticed my moderation has grounded itself quite significantly but my temptation impulse is soooo.... bad. I'll admit it. Regardless of if I can say no once or twice, that third time I usually say yes. And I justify it to myself. "Well, you passed earlier today, and while they were smoking a second ago, but NOW... now is now and I've already been a big boy and now I can reward myself for being such an 'adult'".... thats pretty much how I've began to think. Pretty dumb...

Running into my ex was surprisingly fun. But I'm pretty sure its just because I'm lonely and we were vibing. She was on e and I was just drunk tryin to teach her how to dougie. It was a good time. So she came back home with us and we broke out the blow and went skiing and... I donno... there was just this good tone we had going between us.

I'm a natural baby sitter for rollers and she knows this. This included me wrapping her up in the most comfortable, delicious blankets I could find, packing all of the bowls with beautiful different blends and hand smoking them for her, back massages, good talks, good music, etc. I just know x like its my sister. I know the emotional level to it. I know the weird brain stutters and miscommunications and how easy it can be to sink into a demonic space if your not in the right energy.

At one point she looked over, all bundled up laying on her stomach and said,

" God, I'm so glad I came over here. I knew when you left the bar that I should have just came with you guys. You're always so good to me".

Then, for the next 5 hours of the night, I pretty much sat in silence. I shut down. And it was totally because I got a good dose of self awareness.

-I'm hanging out with a girl who I've spent the past 6 years of my life developing a history with. Romantically, intoxicated, barbaric break up filled history. Rollercoastering to this space, to this vibe, to this night.

- I'm very physically comfortable with her. Likewise, I'm still sexually attracted to her. Both things = not a good sign for my lil heart.

and lastly, like I said

- I am a very lonely person when it comes down to it.

So at a certain point of the night, after the back massages and the flirting and the drugs had ceased, I had this undying urge to cuddle with her. Simply that. And I'm a really strong advocate of saying whatever I have cooking in this mind of mine. Rarely filtered. But I was knee deep in that awareness; flipping through all the asinine domestic disputes, the punching holes in walls and bath tubs, the cheating, the lies, the past. And I battled... for hours... fighting that temptation and the need for a body next to mine.

It got awkward. We were just tweaking and not talking and couldn't sleep and chain smoking and everything I just mentioned was lingering in the air with our smoke. I could feel it, I know she had to. Eventually, I just started messing around and got on the couch with her in a weird position and started rubbing her feet. I miss that... I miss a lot of things...

I guess that need for company and snuggling and cute stuff isn't bad or unreasonable. Its natural. Its just not okay with her. I can't go back to those feelings. I might be slipping in some areas of my life I told myself not to. And I will deal with those accordingly. But this is one I'm glad I delayed for as long as I did and fought off as well as I could.

However, I am currently accepting applications for a cuddle buddy. Starting asap.