I wish we would could edit our memories.

In ways, we do. Our views and perceptions decipher what parts of the whole we actually take in. This ego lens can turn a break up into a mutual decision. A fight that can be won by both. A war started and perpetuated by identical ideals. But I'm not talking about the inability to see things universally with the rest of everyone else. More so, splice and erase and have multiple takes on experiences so they dont end up being so damn... irreversible. Wouldn't that be awesome?

For example, I wish I could go back to my first year anniversary ever. First major relationship. One whole year... I wish I could have woke up with her wrapped around me, breathing her speghettio breath in my face. I wish I could have smiled, ran my fingers through her hair, rubbed her ear lobe until she woke up and had her roll over and feel me embrace her, white knuckled, holding us together like a tourniquet and tell her how elated and lucky I am to have been able to spend a year of my life with the most amazing, radtastic, beauty on the face of this planet.


Ah. That would be a good remake. I'd pay for that scene to be re shot and copied over the original version.

But lets rewind it to reality: its my first year anniversary ever. We planned on sleeping in but always had trouble sleeping in the same bed. I'd end up with a corner and she'd have the rest. Gotta love bed hogs. But we wanted to snuggle and it was our big '1 year'- so I compromised.

I woke up to her pacing in and out of the room. Phone to head, arms crossed, panic in her eyes. I was confused. Today was our day. There's nothing that can ruin a year anniversary. Today is meant for being silly and making love and getting high and celebrating us.

She hung up the phone and sat down on the bed facing the window. I was still confused. What was going on?

" I dont know how to tell you this. This is so embarrassing... " she said," but... that was Planned Parenthood and... I guess... I have clamidia. I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry". She began sobbing, holding her legs up to her chin on the verge of a major break down. I could tell she felt guilty and ashamed and cursed and dirty. And every fiber in me was telling me to be supportive and console her and tell her everything was going to be okay.

But I didn't. FUCK THAT. Today was our day. OUR day. I'd excuse a slight misunderstanding, maybe a brief argument over where to go to dinner... but never did I think in my wildest nightmare that such a special day could turn into the most disgusting feeling ever.

I got up, put my shorts on, went to the bathroom and puked. I washed my mouth out with everything I could find. Bleach, soap, peroxide. I instantaneously felt worthless. I didn't want to believe that was even possible. Not just on our anniversary, but in general; I've been with 2 people... 2. Thats it. How does that happen? Did I really deserve that? And if we've been together for a year... does that mean we've had it for this long? Or did she get it else where in between or...

I think I briefly said " I can't believe this" or something minimal but the rest of the day was complete silence. My self esteem dissolved. My ambition for romance, in any way, disappeared. I felt like a toilet. So did our relationship. The big one year present was a doctors visit and a complete loss of trust.

(this sounds like the notebook huh? totally sexy)

It took months for us to gain any form of intimacy back. She became a taped off crime scene for a while. I wouldn't even make eye contact with her. But I knew I couldn't make her feel worse than she already did; I had to just get through my own shit and make sure not to add any more to hers. Difficult, stressful time period.


See, hence why I would LOVE to be able to edit the shit out of that memory. And many others. I like my remake. That story sucks. I dont know why I went there. But I guess the moral is... this lowered my bar for what to expect as an anniversary present?!

ew. ugh. going to bed.