I'll confess

Hypocrisy is the embarrassing parent at the mall we act like we didn't see.

Its true. Not many people out there would sit down and have someone call them a hypocrite with out getting defensive. It's not an admirable quality. Its really not a quality. Its a vice. Its something that most would like to get rid of. Flush the entire idea of it being a part of them down through pipelines of denial and self worth. But all that garbage ends up somewhere. If we all try to get rid of the meaning, someone is going to notice your just full of shit.

Openly coming out and saying that I am a fucking hypocrite feels disgusting. I want to say it, sigh and put my head on the table. It makes me feel less credible. Less respectable. Less influential and just... less than.

I've said it before. I say it alot actually. But I always say it on a surface level. Like its something minimal and not important and just a part of my character. Which it is... but I've began to realize how destructive it is. How chopped and screwed it makes my narrative and my story. It makes me feel like anyone who reads my thoughts are going to say 'ya, he says that now but just wait...' and I dont like that. I dont want to be a time bomb of predictability. I want to be able to hold ground and hold meaning and hold to the things I say. But I am extremely flawed.

I always wonder how many people out there wear masks to cover up their secrets. How many people walk around with personas that dont meet eye level with who they really are. Or what they're really doing. I read peoples work and I hang out with people who I know dont show their true colors 100% of the time. I dont think many people do. And that kinda scares me for truths sake. How are we supposed to decipher fact from fiction if all of us are too afraid to admit that the facts aren't always picture perfect? Real... is becoming endangered.

I was discussing my recent ex girlfriend sexcapade the other day with my brother. The act, in itself, was hypocritical. I said I would never go back there again. Even in previous posts, I said I was 'proud of my self restraint' and whatever. But I did. I completely gave into temptation and sexual tension. So he asked me how I was feeling about the hole situation and I kinda gave him a round about answer at first. Tried acting macho and apathetic and said

" I told her I didn't do this to get into some emotional bullshit. It just kinda happened. And I donno where she's at in her head with this, but I know that I was just trying to get the tension off the table and get it in."

I took a drag off my cigarette and looked up at the sky. It was clear. No clouds. No trails from airplanes. Just a vast, open, honest sky. I looked over at him and confessed

" Actually, I'm not gonna lie. Thats all bullshit. Having sex with her brought back some feelings. It probably wasn't the smartest thing for me to do. Sex kind of pollutes the mind and right now, I feel drawn back to her."

He said he understood.

Being honest about my hypocrisy didn't feel good. It made me want to sigh and put my head on the table. I felt like I let myself down. Like I let my heart down. And I hope that someday, I'll be strong enough to not have to be honest about my short comings but instead... be honest about my strength and balance and self control.

However, I have taken my mask off. I can look myself in the mirror and admit that I am not doing things I should be. I am not afraid of the truth... I just dont necessarily like it...

My truth... is that I just dragged my broken heart into an arena filled with more nothings. With unanswered phone calls, rekindled lost feelings and hurting myself

more than I already was.