I sent the devil an email last night. I told her that, even after all she's put me through, I feel like I owe her a thank you. Like I should show her some gratitude for introducing me to a realm of hurt I never could have imagined in my worst nightmare.
That level of pain was a great lesson. It fertilized a section of my experience that had never grown up and matured. I might have been better off without it. I'll never know. But I do know that sometimes, weeds grow in our garden. We usually choose to uproot them and discard them to insure the good grows and the bad doesn't. However, nature is nature. It wouldn't have sprouted if it wasn't meant to. Sometimes, perfect pictures can't be whole without the years of cover ups and mistakes and parasites and mold. There is a beauty to ugly. There is a peace to chaos. There is wrongs to rights and rights to wrongs and we just have to embrace it all as life's crazy, confusing art.
I told her, to show my appreciation, I plan on sending her a care package with a delicately wrapped dead animal in it in the near future. She responded:
"I dont want to be mean to you. I've moved on. I hope the best for you and your writing."
This kind of caught me off guard. Granted, she has less to be angry about than I do. Less to be perplexed and hateful about. She truly does deserve a dead animal, preferably her most favorite. But I took her response as a big slap to my sarcastic, vindictive, I'm-going-to-get-back-at-you-mother-fucker side by showing me... I am really not as good at forgiving people as I thought I was.
Forgiveness. This is one of those words I can say so many times that I forget what the meaning of it is. It starts to sound foreign and funny and I begin to question the origin. What the fuck is forgiveness? Can I just say 'I forgive you' and have all of that pain erase and have you lose importance and impact and everything becomes brighter? Is it an internal action? Is it just verbal? Or is it a really thoughtful concept that we just like because it implies that we have control?
I've started talking to my ex again. And not in a 'Yeah, we talk on the phone and sometimes we hang out' sort of way but in way that's leading back into a relationship. After we had sex a little while ago, my emotions got diluted and mixed up and I didn't know what exactly I was feeling. Until she text me the other day and said...
" What we did opened up some feelings I'm not sure what to do with. Can't you understand that? I adore you and I've always loved you but I think all of this might simply be giving me false hope. I told myself if I ever had chance to do everything over with you, I would pooh bear..."
Being called pooh bear again made me tear up. Its been years since I've heard that. Read it, for that matter. It felt good... but in a really bad way. It felt good to know that we are on the same page and that we both are pulling feelings again... but at the same time, I felt the entire break up. I felt the arguments where door handles were ripped out of cars and where words were said that never should have been. I felt my fists going through dry walls and cold, sharpened steal pressed with purpose against my neck. I felt the emails from other men, the empty bed nights, the arrests and disputes and deceit. I felt all of that then... and I still feel all of that now.
How can my heart be drawing to her if I'm not sure if I've even forgiven her for any of that? The devil took a year of my life from me... my ex consumed 3. And yes, there were plenty of fantastic, giggle worthy, pulse raising moments with her... but those seemed to written over by all the bad. Have I just accepted the picture as it is? Have I allowed the weeds to become a part of the whole and find beauty in it anyway? Or
do I just feel like I deserve what they put me through and that I dont deserve to be treated right?
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