When I see you, I want to skip all the small talk. I want to fast forward to a time when laughing replaces questions about your day and when walls break down. Until then, just show me that its okay to know you

My partner and I formulated this line during a conversation Monday night. We found a table at the back of the bar, sat down for some drinks and decided to dig into topics that might lead somewhere.

"Most of my friends just think I'm quiet"

"Mine too. I usually just lay in the cut and play the observer. People watching is entertaining, though, I do have my wit switch. Its random, sometimes I'll be completely reserved and others I'll just let my mind off the leash."

"Right. I feel you. I donno... I just always think about the quiet ones and whats going on inside their head."

" I know, those are the ones who are either extremely genius or extremely dangerous. It's hard to tell but I like the intrigue of it."

" Exactly. And then I wonder if thats how people perceive me. If they just think I'm being shy or that I'm being shady or that I'm just being me. I can't tell. But usually, its because I simply dont care about what they're talking about. Like when my friends ask me if I'm following basketball, and everyone in the room has some sort of really strong prediction- I just say 'nope'... and its cause I dont give a shit. But then you look around the room at the people talking about it, and you can tell they dont have a fucking clue what they're talking about. They're just talking."

" Thats all just forced small talk. Its just forcing a connection. Which I get- but its pretty desperate. I can't stand small talk in general. Its just meaningless, and I prefer to save my words for something I care about."

"Right, its like I want to talk about something real but first, I gotta know its okay to know you."

I went home with pages of illegible scribbles, half started sentences, arrows from one idea to the next like air traffic routes and polished all of them down into a few sturdy lines that I fell in love with. This one being one of my favorites.

Its so accurate. It's the rising action to every conversation, the barrier you fight with in your head when you meet someone; you just sit there and ask yourself " okay, is this person going to let me in? or are they just going to keep me at arms distance with scripted, thoughtless talking? Just give me a sign. Just one hint that theres someone behind those eyes that can think and speak openly about more than what they ate for breakfast or what they have to get up for tomorrow."

I always wonder what exactly the person I'm talking to is afraid of. What the purpose is of this buffer talk. Is it because its part of 'being an adult' to talk about obligations and jobs and meaningless, monotonous bullshit? Or is it because were simply programed to be disinterested and disconnected from sharing ourselves?

Repression and suppression are defense mechanisms. They guard us from being hurt. But I really want to know-

How much are you really risking by showing someone that you have emotions?