I was looking in the mirror

We all are looking for some answers. Something to fill in the blanks, the sleepless nights, the empty feelings and confusion. Its not easy. Really. The one thing I've realized is that

the older I get

the less I know

the more questions I have

and less insights to hand down.

I have come to the conclusion that I dont know who the fuck I am. And I'm pretty sure neither do you. Dont be offended. Maybe I'm generalizing. Maybe I'm not. Maybe the truth is we all are blind as fuck and just steer towards who we think we are until we crash into reality. On some dark summer day, in the middle of thinking you have everything figured out, you hit a wall. And that wall isn't forgiving. It isn't comfortable or reasonable and really... it isn't even an end. Its just the beginning. That wall is where everything starts to make less sense. And you begin to look for more bread crumbs. More of what it was you were searching for before you crashed. More of the answers you thought you had. More hope. More dreams. More escape routes to divert around hitting another wall again.

We are all lost. I see it everywhere. I see it in myself. In the people I keep near me, my family, my dog... In the daily routines that cloak our needs and pain. We are all hiding from ourselves. Really. Take off the mask. Stop trying to convince me or yourself that you have anything figured out. I promise you that you are singing to the choir here. This is a place for honesty and I'm just letting you know that your not fooling anyone. Except yourself. Keep it up and you might just believe it.

Maybe I'm generalizing. Maybe I'm not. I'm sure some folks out there do have answers. Some crazy amount of experience that they've been fortunate enough to learn from. But I advise you to keep those things to yourself. Telling anyone any bit and piece of that will just leave them confused. Why couldn't I figure that out? Why didn't I get gifted with that lesson? Why didn't the clouds part for god to reach down and implant that realization in my mind? Are you fucking special?

As I looked in the mirror this morning, I understood how lost I really am. I have grown out some form of a beard. I seem to be losing weight. I have stitches in my face. I have no life. I have no job. I have no goals right now except to figure out what I'm doing. If you were to tell me 10 years ago that I would be here, I wouldn't have believed you. I would have never thought I'd be this height. This weight. This bearded. This scarred. This dark. This lonely. This shapeless. This... way... at all.

I guess I've hit a lot of walls since then.

And here I am. Facing myself. Looking into the eyes of someone I thought I knew. But I dont know you. At all. Yeah, we were born on the same day. We are associated with the same name. But I have no clue what your purpose is. Or why things have happened to you. Or why you have the problems you do. I dont have any of the answers. Stop looking at me like you know me.