My mornings

You know what this means, right? This means I'm not better. Fuck. I thought I got passed this. I shouldn't be this way any more. I shouldn't be thinking about that.

I need to go for a walk. This house feels like jail sometimes. God knows thats a shitty place. I fuckin hate jail. You always leave there feeling like starch and bad conversations. At least I can open the door and run if I want to here. Its too damn hot though. And I'm burnt. I need sunscreen. I need some food. I need some god damn money. Fuck this shit.

I think my story is coming to an end soon. I shouldn't be thinking about that. But I am. Still... I should feel lucky and shit. I shouldn't be so damn angry at everything. Why can't I just fuckin smile? Why do I still sleep with razor blades? Why is that thought even there? Where did this all start?

Everyone talks about the little things. About time passing and things getting better and to just bask in whatever sunlight I can find. I'm fucking burnt. I dont wanna go outside.

I shouldn't be like this. I know people in their 50's who do more than this. People who have been through more and seen more and had to deal with more and somehow they seem stronger than they were at my age. Wheres my strength? And when did I give up on myself?

I feel defeated. But thats my fault. I think. I didn't fight back. And I'm a fighter. Even after all the years and battles, the biggest wounds I've inflicted are right here. I see them every morning. I feel them every where I go. The one person I thought I was protecting behind fists and words and allusive behavior... is the only one who I've really hurt. I should matter more to myself. I'm just not sure I like that person much. I try to convince myself to, I do all the positive mantras and attempt to look up every once and a while but I guess I'm not too believable. I wonder if this even matters at all. I dont know...

I wish I wasn't so afraid to let someone in right now. I could really use a girl in my life. Just for company. I miss those days. Even if she told me she couldn't love me anymore, I really miss having someone to laugh with. And be silly with. I miss being touched... Fuck. This sounds gay. I probably dont deserve that shit. I need to stop thinking about this.

I always wonder when the last chapter comes. I guess I'll never really know. I hope it ends a lot better than this. It should right? Fuck it.

I'm gonna get up I guess.