Some day, I'll look back on these past couple of years and hug myself. They've been rough. More rough than I could have predicted. More than I thought I would be able to handle. But I have. And I appreciate those who let me know that there truly is a light at the end of this tunnel. Whether I can see it now or not, its there. I just have to be patient.

Last year around this time, there was a lot of things going on in my world but mainly, I remember being terrified. Day in and day out, I would wake up shaking and fall asleep escaping from all the truths and realities in my life. It wasn't until my father and I got into a fight that resulted in my incarceration that I realized

I had to do something different. I couldn't keep sitting around waiting for my life to fall into place and settle. I couldn't keep satisfied with just being. I had to move on.

I didn't talk to my dad once I got out of jail. There wasn't much to say. The fight combined with a day and a half of being locked up severed every line of communication we had. I took that time to come up with a plan to get away from everything.

Finally, without telling anyone, I packed up all my belongings, cashed out a money market fund, and drove for the beach. My family has a condo up in Ludington that rarely gets used and its beautiful and secluded and it was everything I needed at the time.

The second I got on the highway, I began to cry. I wasn't sad. I wasn't worried. I wasn't angry or homesick or hoping that I had done anything else. I was simply... scared. More scared than I had ever been in my life. This was the first time I had made a life changing decision on my own and by myself and I had no one to catch me anymore, and I had nothing else by my own will and need to be anywhere but here.

The reason I was afraid was because I knew where I was going... but I didn't know where I was going to end up. I didn't know what this new chapter was going to entail. Would I just live on the beach for the next year? Should I check out colleges up there? Should I look for a job? Or should I just unpack all my shit and buy a one way ticket to India and never come back?

I contemplated all of those things but ultimately, I ended up drinking alot of imported beer and writing the hole time. I couldn't have asked for anything more. Had it not been for some negative forces in my life at the time, I would have stayed up there. Watching sunsets with my dog by my side. Running along the shoreline. Hiking through foothills and attending beach weddings for people I dont know.

The reason this feeling is relevant is because this is exactly how life goes. Always. Even in your most convicted, devoted and dedicated decisions in life, you will always be jumping in head first. With no clue where your going or where you will end up. Its scary. Its trusting the universe to make things right. However, losing a feeling of control is difficult to accept as being right. But, there is always something to learn. There is always something to take away from those moments and that fear and that impulse.

No one ever knows whats on the next page. The universe doesn't give us foot notes or hints. It doesn't let us read the last page to see if we like the ending or if we want to keep reading. Its all in our hands. Waiting for us to take that first step, that first leap, to pack up everything we know and just drive

for whatever is next. Hope you swim good.