Thorns

I was talking with a friend the other day. The conversation was about nothing in particular or about anything that necessarily mattered; just simple conversation. Towards the end though, she turned to me and said,

"You know, thats what I love about you. You actually feel where I'm coming from. You listen to where I'm at and whats going on with me and thats it. You've opened up to me and I've opened up to you and I appreciate that I can come to you and know you wont judge me."

Well, she was wrong about one thing: I will judge you. I'm not gonna lie. I will sum up all of your actions and your words, like anyone would, and come up with some generalized assumption of who you are and what your doing with your life and yourself. I am not impervious to that aspect of relationships. Judgment is natural. However, the difference between how others might 'judge' and how I 'judge' is that I really dont give a fuck what your doing. At all. Yeah, I will listen and I will be your shoulder or a body to keep you company but unless you ask me for guidance, I dont have the energy to literally care about what your doing. In the end, after you've told me all of your issues and your worries and your drama, I am still far too busy judging myself to even come close to voicing my opinion of you. Who am I to tell you what to do with yourself if I dont have a god damn clue what to do with myself?

Depression is a son of a bitch. Its really nothing that you can shake yourself out of or coax yourself into believing differently. Its a thorn in your side. Truly annoying and frustrating. Believe me, depressed folks dont walk around going- 'oh, how I love feeling this way! I think I'm just going to continue feeling like this because its just so damn awesome and fun.'... no. We don't wake up hoping today sucks... it just does. So anyone who tries to do the hole 'put myself in their shoes' gimmick when it comes to someone who's fucked up is making a very vain mistake. Unless you've been depressed, literally and not just 'down in the dumps', you can't empathize for this space. You can't say 'well, I would just go out and do more shit.' or ' well, I would just try smiling' because thats fucking naive. If it was that easy to jump out of, millions would be out doing more shit and smiling to try to conquer this issue but were not... because its not that simple. I dont really know what the answer is to depression or what happens when it ends, but I do know that I just have to stay afloat until I make it out of this.

I'm in survival mode right now. And if you're with me, then I wish you luck because this is not an enjoyable time in life. I have mad respect and love for anyone who deals with me now or in the past few months because I am not a pleasant person. I am not who I usually am. And I know this. I am fully aware of my offset behavior. However, I expect that same amount of respect when it comes to judging me as I give to you. Dont think you would do anything different. Dont act like things can all be made better with a smile and an activity. They can't. I've realized that there are times in life when you just have to do what you can to get by. You want to know what got me out of last year alive? Heroin and oxycontin. You want to know what got me out of high school? Poetry and ecstasy. You want to know what kept me going after my mom passed? Video games. And to be honest, I am very thankful for all of those things. They got me through some very troubling times in my life and with out them, I would have killed myself. Maybe those aren't the things you would have done. Maybe those aren't the things your doing right now. But you are not me. And I am not you. And comparing our coping skills on a moral level of right and wrong is meaningless. Sometimes, I just want to know that someone understands where I'm at. That its not an over night thing and that tomorrow might be identically the same, if not worse, for me but I will not give up. I will continue to wake up and take steps. I just dont need anyone shoving me anywhere.

When people ask me how I'm doing, I always respond with 'Well, I'm alive'. And right now, thats all the fucking matters.