On to the next

When I was younger, I remember strategically writing up birthday lists for family members like it was the lotto. I would ask for clothes from my grandma, video games from my grandpa and on the morning of, I would run downstairs to see what awesome presents I inherited. Without fail, every year I felt special. Like that one day out of the year was mine and only mine and if I could have had it that way, trust me, I would have made September 16th a national holiday, dedicated to yours truly. Over the years, everything flips upside down. Fun shit morphs into eye rolls, arguments actually begin to make sense and presents dont really exist inside a world of bills and caring about how to eat the next meal.

I spent the majority of my day last week trying to remember what the fuck I did last year for my birthday and I remembered that I didn't do shit. After all, last year I was in the process of tying weights to my feet to reach rock bottom as fast and sloppy as possible so if I remember right, I sat in an office on the couch doing heroin all day. I could be wrong though. Who knows. All I know is that birthdays lost their allure. When birthday cakes turn into lines of narcotics, thats a big sign that change is in the making. Even though this year I didn't spend my day slumped over and pale, I didn't really do anything celebratory. Once again, I didn't do shit and to be frank, I dont fucking care.

Everyone toots their horn about being young and in their 20's and 'oh, that was my prime' and blah blah blah. Whatever. I dont think I'll ever understand that. To me, my early 20's have been the most confusing, ground shattering, perspective shifting, lost times I've endured so far. I've never been this close to throwing in the towel. Its been defeating. Mundane. And fuck, the responsibility. Ah, responsibility. I miss being able to blame everyone else for everything else I dont want to take the blame for. I miss birthday cakes. I miss smiling. I'd like to believe that someday those memories will rewrite themselves but as of right now, in my 24 years of life, everything has gone downhill since high school and thats not really anything to celebrate.

Every year I find myself saying 'yup, that year sucked. onto the next.' and thats pretty much how I feel this year. 2010 was shit. 2011 has been shit. I'm ready for new. So life, I'd like to make a deal with you if your okay with that. You haven't been the nicest to me so far and I forgive you for that. But how about you help me out with these next 365 days a little bit. Can you let somethings go my way? Or at least one thing? Thats all I;m asking for this year for my birthday. Just for something positive follow through for me. I dont need clothes or donky kong or anything else but a little bit of security in the fact that things do get better...

I guess I'll wait for your response.