Confessions

Its hard not to desire perfection. I'll admit that. Its difficult to turn on the tv or go to a store or think about your ideal mate without having a plastic, nice ass, perfect smile expectation level. Ads shove it through your eyes. Stores surround you in it. People emulate it. Its all just one big circle of feeling unsatisfied with what you have or what is realistically available.

They say that whenever we catch ourselves disappointed or bothered by something someone else does, typically its a reflection of what bothers us about ourselves or our actions. I think thats one of the hardest proverbs I've attempted to digest. I still fumble it on days. With the way I act sometimes, you might think that entire concept is foreign to me. I'll damn people for acting 'stupid' or doing something 'stupid' in a relationship or saying something 'stupid', without acknowledging that I am by far one of the dumbest people on this planet. Hands down. I will not argue that. But its this disappointment that I experience every time I do a self assessment that provokes me to be a bitch towards certain people or certain events or certain actions and this

is something I am desperately working on.

With this awareness, I've been transitioning my focus when it comes to change. I used to love to change people. Help them, if you will. Sweep up the broken glass and glue it back together. I was a rescuer. I still have those tendencies. However, I never once reflected in. I never once took a step back and thought about how I need help and how I need to change and thats brought me into a very arrested developed state in my life. I am basically the same person I was when I was 9 and thats not right. Yeah, I got some fancy words and some fancy jargon to talk about. I can tell you some cool scholarly things and I can possibly wow you with what I've overcome and been through but at the end of the day, I have neglected the shit out of myself. Not physically, but emotionally. Other people can take care of themselves and seek help if they need it but I, well, only I can make sure I am okay. Only I can make sure that I dont wake up tomorrow in tears. This is lifes basic, never changing mission: live life for yourself.


I love to help people though. Thats just how I'm programed. I dont feel like I was put on this planet to be pious or authoritative. I dont feel like I was put here to just run my course and leave without a print. I know I am meant to do stuff for people, what ever it might be. However, this is where I am stuck in my lesson. This is my crossroads. Help others at the cost of not helping myself, or help myself at the cost of not feeling fulfilled?

See, theres been some tough realities I've had to face in the past few years of my life. I've had to face my own mortality. Addiction. Pain, both physical and emotional. Depths of depression. Health issues. Deception. Betrayal. I have a litany of bullshit. But so far,


the hardest lesson of my adult life is accepting that I gave up.
I didn't give up on you because I lost interest.
I didn't give up on you because I forgot who I was or lost your number or because I dont like you. The truth of the matter is that you're
a shitty person. And sometimes,
shitty people
are just
shitty people.