I've taken a break from writing. I guess this is technically coming back from that but to me, its still in hiatus. I've come to the point in my life where I'm not too sure what role any of this plays. Its just words. Sometimes its therapeutic and cathartic. But right now, I feel like I've ran out of things to say. Things to be prolific about or insightful and its completely drained my passion for this.

Looking back over the past year, I've wrote a lot of rants about bull shit. Stuff that really has no purpose and sometimes even less meaning and thats not what I'm used to. I come from a very heavy spoken word background of writing things that matter. That have direction and a message and now a days, I'm just writing to write. Some might argue that in itself is enough but I'm not sure if I agree. I might preach that. I might walk into a random class room and spew those exact words from my mouth. But I'm tired of not feeling passionate about what I put onto page. I feel like I've made some tremendous progress in my growth this year except in my writing and that feels horrible. It feels like watching a family member deteriorate from dementia or a flower wither. I kind of feel helpless. I'm just standing here idol waiting for some random spurt of inspiration to grace my fingers to produce something good enough to put me back on stage, but its not happening. It hasn't been happening. All thats happening is this... these little tangents of nothing.

Another reason I haven't been writing is because I've been focusing more on doing instead of being. Its hard to make that transition sometimes. Some might fall extremely comfortable with just being and thats okay, just not for me. I have to get out of my comfort zone if I want to continue to grow. Being social is important. And I dont mean through Facebook or text, I mean really being social. Using your mouth and a laugh. Making new friends and having new types of conversations. We all can walk through life being the leader of our own world but the truth of the matter is were not. We really aren't. The ones who think that way, with the eg and arrogance of 'knowing who they are', are the ones who unfortunately live out the rest of their life in a corner and thats not for me. Yeah, I might still have a lot of glitches. I'm not going to refute that, I do. I get told that I look bored when I'm at the bar or that I come off really unapproachable. Thats all a work in progress. But I'm trying at least. Falling complacent is the first step to being an ass hole and unpleasant so I'd rather try now rather than when I'm more stubborn and hardened years down the road. I look at people set in their ways and I feel sorry for them. There is so much more to life and even though I haven't seen it all, I know theres more than this. There has to be. I can't always be the unapproachable one. I can't always be the TV watching, vulgar, drug using little guy. Sometimes you have to switch it up. Turn the damn TV off and go be young. Do something. Buy some skinny jeans and put on a new look. Just try. Its better for you.

A year ago from today, I was struggling really hard to convince myself to keep waking up. Everyday, I would question if I had the strength to keep going, only to find out that I had just enough strength to get high and waste the day. Some times, I miss that. Honestly, I miss being addict. It was easy. It was thoughtless. I didn't have to think about my problems. I didn't have to be responsible or respectful. I just had to breathe. And sleep. And occasionally shower, but all in all, I didn't have to do anything. Now I have my life wrapped up in my job and networking and self awareness and getting ready to graduate and all these other fucking things that completely wear me out. It feels good to grow up a little but at the same time, it doesn't. I see a lot of my friends dealing with addiction still and I talk to them and make sure they're doing okay. Even though I can tell theres an extreme amount of denial and immaturity ingrained into their psyche at this point in their addiction, I ironically get jealous of the oblivion. I miss being naive.

Anyway, I gotta go to work. Tonight is gonna suck with graduation and all. Its going to be a long fucking night.