babbling butt holes

Most days, I feel like I'm destined to be alone. Even though I'm not quite sure destiny is remotely real, a lot of the time I believe in that fate. I have a horrible track record. I have a horrendous amount of scarring. I'm scared. I'm walled. I'm a bitch. I'm an ass. Most of the time, I struggle to even find a faint glimpse of a good quality in myself. No wonder no one else has.

I find myself coming off like a hopeless romantic quite a lot. The fact of the matter is that I sort of am. Sort of. Yeah, I appreciate true relationships and lasting ones and I wouldn't mind to have a girlfriend who I'm committed to to come home to. Yeah. But to be honest, I almost want a failure. I almost want something that is completely wrong for me. I'm not looking every where for 'the one' or even 5th runner up. Right now, I'm just looking for someone to connect with. And if it ends up spiraling into a huge shit explosion and ruining my heart for x amount of months and dragging a new suit case behind me into the next relationship, so be it. I hate being looked at as someone who is too fucking serious. 'Oh, hes cute but he'll pull feelings and I'm not ready for that and he's too good of a guy and he's a gentleman and bla bla bla, I'll just go for his friend'. I'm sick of that. So what, I'm not the typical dude who's going to grab you or one of your drunk friends at a bar and take them home and smash them out and leave the next morning. So what, I'm not going to put you on bull shit and forget your name and treat you like a pair of boxers. Isn't that a good thing? I've been seriously questioning my character these past few months and its really starting to make me wonder if the definition of 'good' even exists any more. Does it? Or has it become so completely perverted that everything is flipped upside down and backwards and now people are just confused entirely so they run home and fuck like headless chicken. I sit back and I watch guys pull girls and usually I find myself asking why. Why the fuck is this twat muffin even close to a girl with that bull shit? Oh thats right, because it fucking works. HORSE SHIT ANTICS WORK WITH GIRLS. Sorry, I hate to generalize. Let me rephrase. Girls, you like ass holes. And guys know this. So they treat you this way. Wonder why you dont end up with a real man? Because you dont want that. You want ass holes. You want a dude who is going to string you along and make you feel unimportant. You want that because ultimately, you can't have that. If you see a dude talking to 13 other females and all of sudden hes on your nuts, yeah, you're going to talk shit while smiling to your girls about 'omg, that dude is such an asshole' but the second he gives you more attention, bam, lets get out of here. And then you give him your number the next morning, you leave and check your phone for hours hoping this dude from last night, who doesn't remember your name from the other 13 girls he talked to, is going to text you and confess his undying love for you and tell you to come over so he can cook dinner for you and watch fucking Dear John- when in reality, you know damn well he doesn't give a shit. Thats it. Thats the key. Devalue the girl until they realize the only value they have is in between texting you and laying in your bed and that my friends is maybe, at most, 45 minutes of sloppy dancing and gum covered cigarette breath. Awesome. And here I am, watching all of this, looking at these god damn babbling butt holes wondering, what ever happened to quality? What ever happened to the virtues, the trustworthy, the respectable, the good? Has it all disappeared? Or have we become so blinded by billboards and movies and unreal that everything we want is completely unattainable so we constantly settle for less than. Someone being less than anything isn't okay. Less than nice. Less than fun. Less then good. See, good is like a mediocre, fifty percent bar. Its not great. Its not horrible. Its just good. Its acceptable. If you ever find yourself saying, oh well he's not that good or oh he doesn't treat me that good, and then follow it up with a BUT, you better check your self. This is not okay. Compromising your definition of good is infectious and I see it everywhere. It lingers in the air around last call and about 90 percent of everyone's level of good lowers exponentially. And the next morning, they end up laying next to their most recent regret. This is not okay. This is an epidemic people and if you continue to perpetuate this decline as being acceptable, you suck. You just suck. Period.

However, something is going to come out of me questioning my character. I feel it. I've been feeling it since my last heart break and it doesn't feel right. It feels like I'm just going to begin to subscribe to this disease and not care. Yeah , I might feel phony. Yeah, I might end up feeling compromised and dirty and more lost. But I keep asking myself how much longer I can deal with being single and I'm pretty sure I was sick of it months ago. I'm lonely. I'm young. I'm a guy. Its either I conform or keep fighting the good fight and to be honest, I'm tired and defeated and I'm about ready to throw in the fuckin towel....


Agh, story of my life....