This year has been a god send so far. So far. I say this because the past few years of my life have been horribly difficult and finally, I have decided to give myself a break. I finally decided to step up and out of that dark introspective, self critical stage of my life and accept the things I can not change. Mainly my past. See, for most of my life I've sat behind screens and pages of writing worrying about my past like it was still malleable. Like maybe if I just apologize and obsess about the things I've done, that maybe everything would right itself. I'm not sure where I got that notion from or where all the guilt originated from but let me tell you, I couldn't have been more wrong.
Things that have happened, have happened. I'm sure this isn't news to most people but for me, this was world changing to digest and understand. For me, my life has been a constant cyclical motion, a drying machine of guilt from one thing or another. Then I would repress it, ignore it and move on until someday, some where along the road, I'd stumble across a reminder of all the shitty things I've done in my life. Maybe in the form of a forgotten friendship. Maybe in the midst of an argument. Maybe in a number of other ways but whatever form that reminder came in, usually and for the most part, would consume my conscious with overwhelming guilt ...and then self hatred... and then a need for pity... and then a need to repress everything again and from there, I would totally lose myself. However, this year I made a conscious decision to just accept shit. Literally, accept all the nasty, horrible, terrifying shit I've produced in my life and get over it. There's no real use in perpetuating that cycle or attempting to perfect the cycle. All that was left was to break it and that's what I did. Unfortunately though, every high comes with a new low. Always. There's never always blue skies. There's never always 76 degree weather, no humidity and open pools. Fuck, some days, we can't even see the sun. But those are the times when you are meant to just relax and be mindful of all the blessings you have in your life. Because there's no real use in worrying about the clouds or the rain or the storms because eventually, the sun will come out and everything will be how its supposed to be. Even on cloudy days, you can still get a tan right? See, there's always a positive to find... so find it. It might be hiding. It might be behind a bunch of personal issues and deadlines and stresses but if you forget about all that nonsense for one second and focus on something positive, like how your family hasn't given up on you. Like how your dog is still as awesome as she ever was. Like how your car still works fine and you have food in your pantry and you have friends who love you. If you can just take a step back and find the silver lining in the clouds for one second, I promise that you will find a high in every low. I Promise.
I can't really tell you how many times I've had someone notice a change in my energy these past few months, but its happened quite a lot. Some people haven't even recognized me. And its not that I've physically changed much or done anything different with my style or anything, it's simply the way that I've been carrying myself. With a smile instead of a frown. With a laugh instead of a snide remark. With using the word 'like' more than I use the word 'hate' and really, just a bunch of other completely simple things. Nothing I would say is drastically different, just more positive. However, when you make this change, when you finally decide to look at all the good instead of the bad, some people in your life wont connect to you the same. Sometimes, its the ones who have been your embrace at the bottom of whatever rock bottom you've reached. Sometimes its your life line. Your rock. Your brother.
A few weeks back, I got a phone call from someone who I've considered a brother over the past few years. Truly, someone who I've looked to for help and looked up to at the same time. And he to me. But this phone call was everything but brotherly. It was basically a huge fuck you. To save details and context, the just of the conversation was to tell me that I haven't changed at all. That I'm still a lying ass hole who has malicious intent in almost all of my actions and that I am no longer welcome anywhere near his home. It was hurtful to say the least. Could some of the things he said be true? Of course. I would never sit back and wipe my hands clean without taking on some responsibility for the things he accused me of. However, this conversation was extremely derailing. After all of the acknowledgment of the progress I've made, after graduating and moving on with my life and being genuinely happy for the first time in a while, having someone as close as a brother take multiple stabs at my character while slaying random bursts of disdain and judgment hurt really fucking bad. And the fucked up thing was that I actually let this derail me. That self critical part of myself came out again and I actually thought that maybe, everything he said was a hundred percent accurate. That maybe I'm still an untrustworthy piece of shit. That maybe I still steal and lie and hurt people for no good reason at all. Then, about 15 minutes later, I got a text. It was from one of my best friends and she said,
"I just wanted to let you know that you are an amazing friend and I love you."
I'm not quite sure how that happened. How the universe produced exactly what I needed from someone who I needed it from, but it did. And I was thankful. See, I could have easily lost myself in that storm of judgment and jumped right back into my drying machine and sat alone and angry at life for the next few weeks. But I didn't. I couldn't. My change wouldn't let me. So what, a friend of mine decided to take out a lot of things on me to benefit himself and his state of mind. Thats good for him. Thats a positive in his eyes so let it be just that. Its a good thing. And I, on the other hand, I still have great friends who love me. Who see me for who I am and not who I was. Who don't judge me or stay critical of me based on any action that I've done. I have a great father who is always here for me when I need him. Who takes me out golfing every Sunday just to spend time with me. I have a dog who is going to be an endless supply of joy until the day she leaves me and I'm determined to love every minute of it. And then smile because she was apart of my life. I have a car. I have a degree. I have life experience that some might never ask for but I see it as beauty. I have feet. I have lungs. I have every capability to do every little thing that I have ever wanted to do and nothing is going to get in my god damn way anymore.
So if you ever want to know where to find me, I'll be the one outside on a rainy day in swim trunks and sunglasses catching one
gnarly
tan.
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