on a couch with a cat and some whiskey

Sometimes we stumble upon those people who somehow make us believe again. Who inject our hearts with beat again and bring our chins up from the floor. Sometimes we're too blind to see it. Sometimes its right in front of us. But if you're fortunate enough to bring one of these beacons of hope into your life, to open your eyes and your heart and actually believe that you can believe again in whatever it is, you'll understand how beautifully scary believing can be.

Last night I met a girl. It wasn't planned. It wasn't expected. However, when I showed up over at my friends house and saw she was there, I felt something amazing happen inside that I haven't felt in years: a connection. An honest to god, legitimate connection that wasn't forced and wasn't settled and was everything that I remember it being. It was organic. It was smiles. It was walks under the moon light with sloppy mixed drinks on playgrounds at 3 am. It was beautiful.

Somewhere along the walk back though, I felt a familiar feeling arise. It was guarded and comfortable and everything that I'm used to. See, she was telling me about her sign and how Pisces sometimes have ESP. So I asked what any other romantic looking for a way to kiss someone would,

"So how's your ESP then?"

"Great," she said promptly with a smile.

This was my chance so I smirked at her skeptically and said,

"Yeah? Well now I have to test that obviously."

"Okay, try me" she said.

"What have I been thinking all night then?" Her pace got a little quicker and she broke eye contact and said,

"That you want to fuck me."

I laughed and denied it. For once in guy history, I was actually thinking way more innocently then what was expected I guess and thats when I felt it. That familiar guarded feeling. The feeling that maybe we aren't on the same page. That we just couldn't be on the same page. That no one in their right mind would be on the page I'm on anyway.

Our strides separated and everything went silent till we got back to the house. I sat outside smoking a cigarette hoping that this wasn't how I was coming off. I was hoping I didn't seem that way so much that I contemplated just leaving. I went inside and decided it was time to call it a night and go home. It's probably for the best.

"Well, I think I'm gonna head home."

"Aw, you dont have to. You can stay here."

"I could yeah, but I got air conditioning at home and I'm getting tired anyway so..." I was just finding every excuse to leave.

" You sure? We dont have to sit out here if you don't want to, we can go talk in my room."

So of course, I followed her back to the room she was staying in and sat down with some whiskey and a cat and picked up our conversation where it left off on the swing sets. Then the feeling came back. It was telling me to run. Fast. Just go. I got up off the couch and started collecting my gear. My cell phone, my wallet, my sun glasses, my shoes. I just about had everything in my pockets and ready to go and then she looked up at me and said in the cutest voice ever,

"We can cuddle if you want?"

I think at that moment a choir of angels started singing hallelujahs and giving me high fives in my head. Sort of in shock, I dropped all of my stuff and jumped back on the couch. This is all I wanted. Usually, this is all I ever want in general. I just want someone to hold close, to run my fingers through their hair, to tell them all the things I love about them softly in their ear... and to not feel like I'm all alone in this life. Thats it.

She turned towards me and wrapped her arms underneath mine. We started talking about how good this felt. How much we missed this.

"Guys usually don't approach me. Usually their too scared or something."

I looked at her with a smile and said,

"Well, you know, had you not asked me to cuddle I probably would have just gone home. To be quite honest, I've been intimidated by you all night." She responded and started talking about something but I can't remember what. I was just staring at her lips the whole time. It got quiet and I started laughing a little.

"Have you ever been talking to someone and you're trying your hardest to listen but all you can do is just see their lips?"

"Yeah, I used to do that with my Grandma."

"Thats what I've doing all night." She smiled and got closer. Our noses touched and finally, I went in for one of the most amazing kisses in the history of kisses. It was like kissing a cloud filled with jelly beans. Or something delicious like that. Basically it was awesome and for the first time in years, I could feel my heart beat. For the first time in years, I felt like maybe

I'm wanted.

As I caressed her ear and ran my fingers through her hair, I began to open up a little to her. I told her how much I missed all of this. How right this felt. And then I told her how long its been since I've kissed someone.

"Really? Whys that? I'd picture you pulling a lot of girls."

" I dont know. It's not that I'm not confident, its just that I don't... really feel I'm special. Or that anybody could be attracted to me I guess."

She kissed me and told me she understood. For the rest of the night, we laid in each others arms as I caressed her side and the scar on her neck. It was amazing.

On the way home, I began to feel like I missed out on something. I was smiling from ear to ear so I didn't understand why but somewhere deep down, I felt like I was never going to find something like that again. Then I caught myself in mid thought thinking that tonight only happened because she was drunk. That if she was sober, she would have never been into me at all. I thought back to when we were hanging out and remembered myself refilling her drinks a lot. Yeah, because we were all drinking but I was handing her drinks because I didn't feel like I would have a chance to get close to her if she wasn't drunk. That's not okay for a lot of reasons. See some guys do that to get laid but I... I was doing it to feel like someone could actually like me for a few hours.

As far as I've come this year, I'm still having issues with my self worth. Apparently, I dont feel worthy of most good things in life and most of the time, I want to just run away from them. I want to pack up all of my gear as quickly as possible, make up stupid excuses about air conditioning and run. But thats not right. See, I might never see this girl again. Today she left back to Ann Arbor where she has her life. Where she has her nursing program and her kid and her job and her family. But last night she was with me. In my arms. And I deserved that. I'm a good guy with a genuine heart and if she can find something likable in me,

I should be able to too.

To the ones out there who help people believe that they can believe again, in whatever it is, thank you. I am extremely grateful for the universe tossing someone so beautiful into my life, even if it was just on some random June night at 3 am on a couch with a cat and some whiskey. Just that was enough for me to believe that I

can love again.