Complex Simplicity

I saw two birds chase each other into a tree today. As my eyes focused in, I realized that this tree was very complex. This tree had always been a tree. It had always stood, in one shape or another. Maybe as a shred of grass at one point. Maybe as an awkward stand alone bush. Maybe a manicured project. In the literal sense, everything we would think of a tree being, it was. And as I looked at this tree, and saw everything it was made of, I couldn't help but notice it's leaves. The beauty in its ability to stretch limb into leave as a perfect dome hovering a sturdy trunk. Its complexity.

Its simplicity.
See this tree has been passed by. Looked at from a distance. Watered by nature and people and basically blended in with every other tree around it. Unnoticeable. Normal. Nothing about its form or its look would make it stand out or look different. But for the first time, I stood by this tree and saw it in its simplicity and its complexity and honored it. Its journey and its creation. Its trunk. Its leaves. Its bark that grew over older bark to build a foundation for it to branch beauty into our lives.

Its a beautiful process how it became what it is. How it turned a seed no bigger than the tip of my thumb nail into a majestic tree I can't even wrap my arms around. That simple over looked change is considered to be normal. Considered to be natural and understood. But what we look past is the obstacles it over came to get where it is. Someone didn't mow that shred of grass. Someone decided to water that bush or let the rain flourish this seedling into an unmovable mass that will continue to grow on long after we have walked past it.

I felt privileged. I felt humbled.

And then I thought of my body. Of the complex simplicity of it all. How I began as something no bigger than the size of a conversation and grew into a mass that I dont let many people close enough to put their arms around. How I've been walked on and walked past and given up on but yet, my body still breathes. My heart still pumps blood into my veins and produces new skin cells to grow over the old ones. On a molecular level, my body is a powerhouse of building. And renewing. And changing and so is yours. But this process, this growing and shedding is often looked past because we have understood it. Or at least tried to. We wake up and see the same face and think nothing of it. Thats my face. We walk on the same feet and feel normal and complacent with that. It's just walking. It doesn't feel like new or beautiful sometimes. It doesn't feel magical or microscopic sometimes because most of the time, we're too focused on changing everything in our environment to actually sit back and revel in the beauty of whats changing effortlessly inside us. Around us. Our feet wouldn't be feet if our bodies weren't producing foot cells. And those cells wouldn't be cells if our bodies didn't pump blood and oxygen to them. And our hearts wouldn't pump blood if our heart didn't have heart cells. And those cells wouldn't be cells...

It goes on. Forever. And its beautiful. Not just because its broken down and acknowledged as phenomenon but because when we don't think about it, when we don't even put thought to any bit of anything,

we change. And we change without pain. Without being asked and without having to initiate it; it just happpens.

And then I ask myself if that tree ever thought it would have to seek out water. If it ever thought it needed to dodge lawn mowers and loggers just to survive. Or if it simply did and became what it is because the obstacles thrown at it were meant for it. It was meant to grow. It was meant to have birds fly into it, nest in it, flutter around and knock some of its leaves loose and leave without saying good bye. And tomorrow, it will still stand,

same as it did today.

I guess this is why trying to change is so hard. Our nature is to change without trying. Without thinking about the processes and the outcomes; it just happens. But we have a conscious. And with that conscious comes an inherently dissatisfied reality. We are always looking for better cars. Better jobs. Better living conditions. Better people. Better relationships. Different everything. We are always looking for ways to change things unnaturally and against the grain and thrust things into a state of control that we weren't meant to have when really, change will happen. Whether you want it or not.

So if you leave me today, if you give up on me and wish me the best because my project is too much for you... well, you're right. My project is too much for me sometimes. But I am constantly changing. I am constantly experiencing and digesting and working on myself so that tomorrow, I can stand bigger and stronger and blend in with the other trees around me. And if you decide to fly into my life, ruffle up a few leaves and disappear without giving me a fair chance than I will thank you.

Thank you for being a part of who I am. For leaving your nest inside my branches so that tomorrow, I can look at it and smile because once upon a time, you laid your head here. You rested everything that you are on me and left me with the memory of your laugh. Of your green ringed iris in the sun light. Of the way you move to your own rhythm. Of the way you kissed me. Gently enough to put me to sleep but with enough passion to keep me twitterpated. You taught me what that word really means... You taught me a lot actually.

Even though I just Google'd ' what to do when someone can't love you', I wont cry because I lost you. Okay, maybe a little bit. For a couple days or so. Or a week. But after this shitty phase, I'll smile because I met you. You'll always be the ball of energy I'd want next to me.

I'm sorry I'm like this.