When I was growing up, my father used to take us to Purdue football games on the weekend. Being that he is an alumni, he figured we could all partake in a love of his while spending some quality family time as well. I wasn't much a fan of this idea; the last thing I wanted to do on the few days my lazy adolescent self could sleep in was drive to Indiana at 8 in the morning. Fights were had. Temper tantrums were thrown. Anyway, the times that I would go, I remember enjoying. It was towards the end of the 90's and Purdue had found this crazy good quarterback. He was quick and had an arm like a Greek myth and everyone knew who he was. Drew Brees became a household name for Purdue fans. We had confidence in him. We had faith in him. And even though he didnt bring us any titles, we got to watch him rise to the athlete he is today.
Across the line of scrimmage stood the rest of his team. The rest of the people who helped him get to where he is. And at the very end, towards out of bounds, stood a guy named Vinny Sutherland. He was Purdue's leading wide receiver and Drew Brees' go to guy. Like clock work, Brees could shit whip that ball 30 yards down the field and covered heavily or not, Vinny would catch it. Talk about hands and speed, that guy had it. We saw it every weekend. We knew it. We supported it. However, come draft time, he didnt make it first or second round like Drew. Shoot, he didnt even make early rounds at all. Vinny Sutherland got drafted near last as some scrap pick by some sub par team.
Two days ago, I found myself asking about what happened to him. I asked my dad if Sutherland was still playing and he replied,
"Oh no, he only did a year or two in. He got let go pretty fast."
I wasn't surprised as much as I was curious how Sutherland felt about this. Do you think he looks back at his time playing ball and says "that was the time of my life"? Or do you think he's bitter at his short comings?
This guy has family. He has friends and old coaches and people who supported and believed in him throughout his entire career. And every weekend, he went to that locker room, put on his cleats and his pads and went out on that field with hope that one day, it would pay off in a career. These people told him it would. They told him antic dotes from his childhood and how they always knew he'd grow up to be a great wide receiver. His coaches told him they always saw it. His friends bought his jersey. And three years later, he's a foot note to someone else's success story. Old news. Expired.
Now a days, I'd be surprised to find someone else who even knows his name.
This year has been full of really difficult lessons. Some I've taken quite well and others I've fumbled through like bad gloves. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't felt good. However, I've encountered one reoccurring problem and I'm not sure what I should be learning from it.
Multiple times throughout 2012, I've had people give up on me. Not just go our separate ways, but actually confront me on a real note, tell me things they're not okay with about me and then blatantly leave me behind. First, it was my brother. He told me I wasn't welcome in his house anymore. 3 years of close friendship and after one long winded confrontation, he was done with me. Next was someone I fell in love with. She brought me into her life and her family only to stop returning my calls months later. That one really fucked me up. Then my best friend stopped returning my calls. Then I met a girl who wants to just use me for my car. And now I'm here wondering if I'm really that easy to throw away or if I'm just constantly finding people who don't like me. I can't help but think the latter true.
The other day I texted an old friend. After the usual small talk, I just came out and said,
"Will you tell me that I'm not easy to forget ?"
She comforted me but it didn't work. I still feel really unimportant . I still feel like a useless foot note. I feel like I've been misguided with hope and rhetoric about my qualities and my potential and all I have to show for it most days is a broken version of who I want to be. Lonely. Forgettable. I feel ashamed for not being the person these people thought I was. For not being the friend that's worth keeping around. The boyfriend that's worth staying close to and loving. The son who's worth staying alive for...
I feel cornered by myself. I feel abandoned. But mostly, I'm sick of feeling this. All this. This blog is a testament to my bad choices and wrong moves and I'm over it. I need to make some drastic changes in my life and one needs to be the tone that I write in. My voice is even starting to annoy me. That said, this will be my last addition to this blog.
I've been placing my thoughts here for 2 years now. This has been my home. My confessional. My tissue. And now it's time to turn a new page. I appreciate anyone who has come by to keep me company and entertain my pitiful nonsense. Someday, whenever it is I can turn around and start producing stuff I'm proud of again, you'll find me. Unless you forget about me which in that case, fuck you.
Im Tim Minor and I'm stitched up and still running with scissors.
