Pit

Most of the time, when I come to the page , I have some direction. Some sort of non fiction to twist into a meaning or build relevancy to where I'm at and what I'm dealing with . Today is different. I have nothing . Absolutely nothing . No metaphors or pretty language or anything.

Today I feel like giving up. That's about it. I feel like I need to express this somehow and being that I've surrounded myself with people who don't see that I'm drowning or are drowning themselves, maybe the page can be my band aid.

I have nothing going right. Still. Not one thing. I am ashamed that this has become my theme song. Which would then be followed by a womp womp and a down scale on a trombone and me with a single tear drop on my cheek. Funny or not, Im starting to think this is true. And I just dont get it. I try so fucking hard to just be and go and do and work and process and at the end of it all , Im still broken. How can shit pile up so fast? Just last week I was feeling good about things. Maybe I was coming down from all the praises from my birthday. Maybe I was just bein more optimistic. Whatever the case , I hate now. This very moment, I hate it. I hate feeling unheard. I hate feeling lonely. I hate feeling unaccomplished and stuck. I hate being looked past. Or over. Sometimes I just hate being looked at at all. The fuck you looking at anyway? I hate being full of hate. I hate not being good enough. I hate my fucking job. I hate my love life or what I would call one. I hate empty beds. I hate jealousy. I hate excuses. I hate gossip. I hate country music. I hate pt cruisers. I hate math.

But mostly I hate myself. And I hate saying that.

Lately, I've been having this feeling that's almost indescribable. The closest comparison would be to that feeling you get when you stand up too fast mixed in with the feeling of hitting someone's dog with your car . I feel like I've done something really horrible. And I don't know what but its scary. I've woke up sweating and in tears the last few days and every time, I come up with some radical conclusion. Yesterday, I decided I was going to buy a one way ticket. Today was a vow of silence . Both ways scream that I'm desprite. I'm grabbing at air. And it's then, right then that I feel the worst part of it all. It feels like something snaps. Like I don't know what to do but this isn't it and I can't be here any more but I am. For lack of a better way to say it, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin and I can't and I'm trapped and my heads spinning and my breathing gets tighter. It's troubling. It's tormenting. I feel like admitting myself ...

I haven't figured out if I'm staying or leaving. Time will tell. All I know right now is I need a hug. No words. No nothing . Just an embrace so I can break a little and then I don't want to speak of it ever again. Just let me lay in your lap and feel loved for one second. That's all. That's all I want.

I know that's a lot to ask for. I wish love was free.