A friend and I were walking our dogs on an Indian reservation. We would visit this place about twice a week and walk the trails, letting our dogs free to romp through chest high grass and wrestle. Its sort of rare to find places where we could do that; letting a pit off their leash anywhere usually invokes a crazy response from folks. And I get it. I do. But breed or not, dogs need to be dogs so as an owner, I cherished those moments where they could both run without restrictions. Without pulling on me or giving me thirsty looks for freedom and just exhaust all the doggy energy they want.
The day seemed like any other day. Just another excursion. Just another late afternoon walk two or three miles deep in the woods. We were far enough in so we agreed to let the dogs go, trusting that they would stay within calling distance as they always had and continued on the path with our conversation. The specifics aren't important.
Weaving our way through nature, we passed a downed tree split over our trail. As we ducked underneath it, my friends dog ran back to his side. I looked around and thought that maybe my dog had just gone down to the creek for water, as she tended to like to do. Or maybe she was sniffing around or taking a shit or something else dog-like. However, it was odd to have one and not the other. I began to call out for her.
"Yee Yee! Yee! Merc! "
Nothing. No brush moving. No pattering of paws coming from behind us. No yells from other hikers or anything. Just nothing and at that moment, miles deep in the woods with an hour or so left of sun light, my heart dropped out of my chest. I felt it. My hands began to sweat and tears built up in my eyes. I felt myself nearly paralyze in an uncomfortable abandonment of security. Intoxicating helplessness. Fear. Of what the fuck, what do I do? Do I retrace my steps hoping she just stayed in one spot? Do we split up and try to cover more ground or do we stay together? Do I prepare for a spur of the moment night of camping?
What exactly is the smartest approach to losing something so important?
I had nothing but in the heat of that moment, I decided that I couldn't just lose my dog. That wasn't an acceptable option. Frantically, I began running back where we came from and yelling for her. I figured she would hear that at least. She had to. She had bat ears; she'll hear anything, and especially if its my voice. This had to work. She couldn't have gotten too far.
Sure enough, she had. After about an hour of back tracking and asking bikers and families if they had seen a pit bull with a spiked collar on, we had nothing but a few disgruntled fathers looking down at us and some pissy bikers. All of them said the same thing,
"Yeah, she came up to us about 200 yards back. We didn't touch her and I kind of hurried past her but she was up there."
" Go back up that hill and take a right, she was there last I saw."
Or simply
"Nope, I haven't seen anything."
I was beginning to feel like I knew something that I didn't want to. I was defeated and dreading having to even get near accepting that I had just lost my best friend somewhere between US 131 and Texas Drive. I didn't want to think about all the morbid possibilities of that. As the sun began to set, I dragged my feet back to the parking area. This sucked. I didn't know how I'd allow myself to get in a car and drive away from that area. I couldn't do it.
I asked everyone I came in contact with if they had seen her and no one could help me more than the last. All dead ends. We made it back to the car and my friend looked at me and said,
" Well man, Mercedes is a strong dog. She'll be fine for the night probably and you can come back in the morning and look. Or maybe she'll get turned in. You never know."
I knew he was just trying to be positive and realistic but as I looked at the busy road next to me, I couldn't help but freak the fuck out.
"Merc! Mercedes!Come here girl ... Mer-ce-des!"
I paced back and fourth screaming like those were my last words. I had nothing left. This was it. Then a man came out of the woods to my left from next to the boy scout cabin.
" Did you lose a dog?"
" Oh my lord, yes! Yes I did why!?"
I began to follow him through a little thicket of trees and peered around a fence. There, leashed up to a post in a front yard, sitting like a present on Christmas was my dog. Unharmed, panting, with a bowl of water in front of her. The man explained to me that he was doing yard work out front when he saw a little black dog trotting through the parking lot. After seeing a few families cower away from her, he noticed her breed, realizing she was a pit. Thankfully, his son had two american pits in the garage so he knew pits. He knew their stigma. He knew she was scared but knew she was inherently amazing and decided step up to help her out. Finally, he was able to coax her back to his yard with a treat and get her taken care of. We did quite a lot of small talk but really, all I kept saying to him was,
" Thank god for you sir. You're my hero for the day."
Smiling with tears in my eyes, I shook his hand and thanked him for all of his help. We put my leash back on her, walked back to the car and happily went the fuck home.
That night I thought about how much I admire a dogs mentality. How much I envy their ability to just know. See, when she got separated from our pack, she had one of two choices. She could have A. Tried to track us down or B. Found her way back to where we started. Both are risky and would involve a lot of nose action but ultimately, she had to choose. And unlike a human who could take hours to choose what to eat or what to wear or what to smell like, she went from lost to found in a matter of seconds. She put her nose down, put her feet to work and knew that she had to get back to where we began and find help. She didn't question it or look back. She just knew it was smart. It would work. Someone would be there.
I feel like this is something I need to get better at doing. There is definitely something to be said about that type of intuition and complete trust in help. So often when I get lost or derailed or separated from everything I believe at the moment, I freeze up. I get stuck in fear and a need for comfort and try to retrace all my steps to get back to what I think I need. At the same time, rejecting any and all help. I rarely just go for what feels right. And then I find myself more lost. I end up sleeping in forests made of insecure nightmares and wake up not knowing if I even like myself any more. It's something I need to work on...
I know where I'm at right now is where I am meant to be. I know this. But being here sucks. Some days I want to run as far away from you as I can. Others I find myself wanting to retrace my steps back into your heart. I know neither can work. And so I'm trying to get back on my path. I'm trying to pick my head up and get over and back to feeling okay about me. I promise, I am.
But if you ever end up looking back where we started, or thinking about going back there some day, I'll be there. Leashed up next to the memory of your touch. Waiting. Hoping that one day, you'll wander back and notice that I still exist.
I miss you.
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