So be it

Finally starting to like living again. Starting. God damn, withdrawals are just no fun. Talk about losing yourself...

On Monday, my dad looked at me and asked if there was anything he could do. I said that I'll be fine, I just gotta get through this little dark patch. The past week has been horrendously confusing. You could see it in my eyes and hear it in my voice. I'm still working out the kinks but I'm coming back. Slowly.

I really didn't need that garbage. Even though I conveyed to people that xanax withdrawals made cocaine and heroin look like vacations, I came to understand that I dont need any of that bullshit. At all.

As hypocritical as it seems, I love drugs. Really. I do. I love escaping. I've gone pro at it. However, I'm totally fine with sobriety right now. Complete sobriety. I even threw out smoking cigarettes for now. Its fundamentally come down to this for me:

I have a lot of work to do in here. There are tons of glitches and voids that I've attempted to forget about through inhaling or ingesting or whatever my forte was. And yes, it worked for the time being. But the next morning, when my eyes opened to another day, I just had to do it over. And over. And over. And repeat again and again and again just to feel worthy of taking another breath. It never worked. I never once felt like I deserved another day. I never once felt like I was less then a monster. I was an abomination. I still am... just healing and trying to understand myself instead of running the other way.

Will I do drugs again? Fuck... thats like asking if the sun is going to shine. So yes, eventually I will. If not today, then tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, then next week. The difference between my answer now and what it was is that I'm not implying that 'tomorrow' is synonymous with 'getting fucked up' anymore. I'm trying to redefine what living really is. And if it takes being broken down to the fibers of my existence- having to deal with identity crisis', self worth and esteem problems, weight loss, insecurities and whatever else- so be it. I'm sure the outcome will pay for itself.

I'm trying to figure out what I am now. What things = me and what things dont.

I've realized- I'm this. I am wrapped in syllables. I am saved as drafts every minute. I am free and nonprofit.

This isn't a fucking novelty. I will not grow away from this page. I will not replace this with another pass time or hobby. I wont cheat on you, blogspot. I wont. I've been deceived enough to know that having a comfort zone that I can call home is good for me. Sorry tumblr.

Anyway, this isn't for you. This isn't for glory or honor at all. This isn't a popularity contest.

It never has been. This is for me. For myself. This

is

me. Period.