Every once and a while, theres a few heavy topics that arise when I'm just sitting around thinking that tend to completely stump me. Philosophically, I really have no bases to approach most of them. The lack of logic mixed with utter emotional reflux always dilutes my ability to conclude them in any positive way. Total mind fuck.
So I'm stuck on one right now and I'm not sure where to go with it. Its not unique as much as its just a really good way to see if your a pessimist or not. And me being the pessimist, its kinda dragging me down a hole.
I've done a lot of things with complete conviction and devotion. I've performed, dated, interacted, built friendships, fought, wrote- whatever I've done with passion, I've put the closet thing to 100% that I'm able to. That being said, even though I dont see anything I do as 'perfection' or 'the bar set for others', inside I still hope its appreciated and valued at a certain level. Respected a little. You can always tell when someone is doing something, well or not so well, with passion. And its this spark and this fire that shines through the flaws and slips and battle scars. That dynamic leaves a tiny piece of the individual everywhere it lands- on every stage, behind every microphone and buried in between these lines. That in itself is beautiful. It might not be pretty or technically sound and I might stutter over a line or two but its still coming from a place of 'I'M GOING HARD DAMNIT AND I KNOW IT'.
What I'm zeroing in on right now is that I'm not too sure if the objective look at who I really am, and what I'm really about even compares to the way I see myself. At all. I can't tell if my drive comes off as passion or desperation. If my words matter and make sense or if they're annoying and you'd wish they'd stop. If I really was a good friend to that person or could I have done more. If I really tried as hard as I thought I did. If I was a genuinely good boyfriend to be with or if I was one of the guys 'you can understand why they got cheated on'. I could go on but you got the point.
I got nothing to really say about it. Its just a shitty place to be in I guess. I've never really thought much of myself which doesn't help. If I had to list off good qualities over bad qualities, I'd have 10 times more negative things to say about myself than positive. Which makes believing the latter more understandable now.
In the end, I hope some of what I do ultimately matters. Just matters. Not loved. Not always acknowledged. Shit, if you actually dont look past me, I'm satisfied. But maybe I have this low of a standard because thats really all I'm capable of. Mediocre, weird, off beat attempts at nothing more than an 'okay try'.
No comments:
Post a Comment