Chiseled

By the time I arrived in middle school, I had already decided to hate the world. Young, I know, but something hit me around the age of 12 that made my eye brows shroud and my eyes glow with some sort of anger only war vets come home with. Maybe it was watching my mother pass in front of me. Maybe it was the awkward height I had achieved at such a young age. I'm not sure. But I do know that look I inherited, that dark, dont fuck with me or I'll attack you look, stayed around until this very day and I'm beginning to wonder if there's anyway to reverse it.

I'm proud of myself though. Sincerely, I am. I have made an enormous shift in my life these past few months and its been nothing but difficult. I've wanted to give up. I've wanted to curl up inside of my own desperate depression and disintegrate into what it was I thought I was meant to be: nothing. Just nothing. I wanted to be nothing as much as I thought I already was and that mind space was hardly living in slow motion. Time stood still. And not in that 'god, I hope this moment lasts forever', Hollywood-esque, dancing in the rain type way. It was that ' fuck, its still 3:30. I'm just going to go back to bed' type way and that was no way to live. So I got on my feet. Got off the god damn couch and slowly baby stepped the fuck outta life. Inching my way back to where I should be at 24. I shaved my stupid beard, got back to the gym, got my last semester of school lined up so I can graduate and then got a job. All in all, I feel good right now. I can't really articulate the change I did in here, but I can tell you that it was long over due. It's been beautifully painful. This year, I've conquered my universe and built a new one but after all of it, I am still constantly haunted by the exterior I've hardened over the years.

My job is bullshit, I'm not going to lie. I work at this new fine dining place in the entertainment district washing dishes for 9 dollars an hour. Its really hard on my back and its really disgusting but its a job. Also, it makes my hands extremely smooth. And I get to wear a fancy chef coat. Those are positives. Anyway, while I was closing down the kitchen tonight, the head chef came in with the other cooks and said,

'The faster you close this down, the faster drinks are on me.'

I thought this was a nice gesture. It wasn't going to make me go any faster than I already was, but I was kind of looking forward to grabbing a drink with my new co workers. After maybe 10 minutes, my work was done and so I went out to the bar to clock out and catch up with them. They weren't around. I went up to his office and he wasn't there either. Even though I was the only one in the kitchen when he said that, I guess he wasn't talking to me. I grabbed my hat and my coat and made my way to my car.

On my way to the parking lot, I saw 3 old friends from high school. Not close friends, but we were cool. They didn't really recognize me until they got closer and then we shook hands and said whats up. But that was it, they just said it was good seeing me and that was it. I got in my car and drove home.

While I was driving, I began to wonder what it is about me that makes me so unapproachable and seem so unfriendly. I'm truly a nice guy. I dont mean any harm and I like to have meaningful conversations and if your not in the mood for that, I like to go out and have a good time too. But new people rarely see that. All they see is the mean mug I've chiseled into my bone structure over the years and I guess its not one you'd go outta your way to be nice to. It sucks to say this, but people just dont like me. And if they do, they have to warm up to me. I hate that... Sometimes, I just wish I didn't look this way. Even though I know this is who I am and I should embrace it and smile anyway, its extremely tough.


Most days, I wish that people could just see my heart. Not my height or my clothes or the scowl that happens to be my relaxed facial expression. None of that. If they could, I'm sure they'd like me. But until that magically unlikely day happens, I'm going to keep trying to be likable. To others, and to myself.